I've prayed for and asked for peace for everyone involved.
So, as I write out my thoughts and my opinions and my feelings on this incident, remember this: they are Mine. No one is forcing you to read my blog, but if you read it and agree or disagree, and wish to maturely and appropriately respond I welcome it. But if any comments become rude or nasty, or petty name calling begins I will remove them. If a threatening tone is taken, I will block you. This blog post may not be well received by everyone, and I'm ok with that. Because it's what I feel and what I feel I need to write.
Most of you reading this know enough of my background, but for those who don't, bear with me, as I provide a little. I am married to a Police Officer. I was the President of our Police spouse's association for 7 years, having recently stepped down in January of this year to spend more time with my family.
I have 3 children; a 17 year old daughter, 15 year old son and a 10 year old child with medical and special needs.
I am an X-ray/CT Technologist and have been for 21 years.
I'm a breast cancer survivor.
I have a large, extended family of step/half/real siblings and parents. They have always been my sisters and brothers and moms and dads, not my step or half siblings or parents. 3 of my siblings are half Hispanic. All of them are crazy. Some more than others, and I'm sure they would say the same of me.
I spent my middle school years and first year of high school in a small Kansas town that was predominantly white and Hispanic.
I graduated from a Kansas City, Kansas (yep-in the Dotte) high school that was more culturally diverse. My graduating class was pretty evenly split black and white.
We all got along. For the most part-other than your typical high school drama, I don't recall any race issues.
I've been engaged three times and only married once.
My three kids have two different dads.
I've been a single mom.
I've lived in a trailer park and mopped floors at my Mom's restaurant for cash for diapers and formula because my paycheck ran out after paying rent, utilites and a car payment, but still had a baby to feed and clothe.
I have a $500 certificate degree education from which I earn about $60K a year on.
We've filed for bankruptcy and we've had to short sell a house.
We receive government assistance for our son; he is on a waiver, but let's call it what it is; he receives MO Health Net, or Medicaid, as secondary coverage after our private insurance pays what it will.
Few of you know all of those things about me.
Many of you probably don't know half of them.
I'm not embarrassed by any of it, it's who I am.
I've had to live with the consequences of my actions; some good, some bad.
All were my choices to make.
I'm a pretty open book, yet many of you are probably surprised at not knowing some of the statements above.
And more than one of you reading this just judged me based on those statements.
The assumption is that I'm from a white, middle-class family with a good job and perfect life.
Which is as much as a stereotype as the ones formed when you realized I grew up in the 'Dotte, or was a single mom, or filed for bankruptcy or received Medicaid for my son.
As I have stereotyped groups of people myself. I won't sit here and pretend I've never judged someone by the clothes they wore, or car they drove or neighborhood they lived in or job they held,
or color of their skin.
I would be lying if I tried to say I hadn't.
And America is lying to themselves if they believe prejudice and racism doesn't exist today.
That that was then and this is now.
And I won't disrespect Black/Hispanic/Asian/Indian Americans and say that I have any idea what it feels like to be the victim of prejudice or racism.
But I also won't apologize for being white.
I will apologize for being apathetic.
I will say that as much as I believe Officer Darren Wilson did not set out to shoot and kill a young, black man that day, I respect that many of you believe that is the intent of all cops.
I believe that how we are raised directly determines our attitude towards law enforcement.
And I can admit I had a great childhood with little to no involvement with the Police other than getting caught 'borrowing' a shopping cart from Dillons and pushing my younger sister home in it, or the occasional party gotten out of hand and being broke up by the Police, or a random speeding ticket here and there.
Until I met and ultimately married my husband, a cop, I never really thought much about other people's attitudes towards the Police. But over the last 12 years, I've seen and heard and read some terrible things people think about cops.
They stick together. They beat and cheat. They lie and cover for one another. They are egotistical assholes. They were bullied as children and became cops to get back at how they were treated.
A dead cop is a good cop.
Yep-we police families stick together. Nobody else understands the crazy hours, missed holidays and kids events, shift changes and fear like a fellow police wife.
My husband has never beat or cheated on me.
My husband is a rule-follower and would never lie or cover for someone shady.
My husband is not an egotistical asshole, but with the things he's seen and lies he's heard in 20 years on the job he may seem indifferent and uncaring to some.
My husband was never bullied. He was just the opposite and got suspended in high school for defending someone being bullied.
And personally knowing a police widow, that last statement makes my blood boil. I wish widowhood on no one. And if you agree with a sentiment wishing such, please unfriend me. Now.
My husband has been shot at, spit on, been in filthy situations, car chases, foot chases, on murder scenes and suicides and fatal car wrecks. He's made death notifications and solved murder cases. He's put bad guys in jail and good people who make bad choices in jail. He's held the hand of a daughter who found her elderly mother deceased in her bed, and he's helped a family down on their luck living in their car with a place to stay and food to eat.
He puts on a uniform and badge and gun and walks out my door every day to do a job he loves that one day could prevent him from coming home to me and our children.
He would lay down his life for any one of you in the course of a regular work day if need be.
Not too many jobs have that potential.
I know mine doesn't.
And though the "He" I refer to in these specific statements is my husband, it is also 98% of the hard working, honest cops I know personally.
I can count on one hand the number of cops I know that are the poison fruit on the vine of law enforcement. Because just like in every profession, assholes get through every now and then.
The truth will eventually come out. It always does.
If Officer Wilson and the Ferguson PD are covering up a bad shooting, I will be the first to demand just punishment. Because one bad cop makes all cops look bad, and the Police I know have too much respect for their brotherhood to let that happen. And the good guys don't deserve it.
The protesting I understand and respect. And I will happily walk and stand beside you against blatant police brutality and violations of our constitutional rights. In a peaceful manner.
The rioting and looting I don't understand. I will never understand destroying someone else's property and stealing someone else's possessions. But the raw anger and emotion behind it? I do get that. I'm an emotional person myself. And sometimes they get the better of me.
And I fear the truth is being overshadowed by emotion. The facts need to speak for themselves.
I know that I don't know what I can do to help, but I'm willing to do something. Because I firmly believe that if you aren't part of the solution, you are part of the problem. And that if we don't raise our children to love and respect one another as humans, humanity doesn't have a chance.
And I've said this before; it all starts in your own home, church, school, job and community.
And I believe that community includes every human being. Regardless of color.
In the case of Michael Brown's death, I know this, and this only; I wasn't there. And neither were you.
I stand on the side of what is right and true. Those involved will have to live with, or died because of the consequence of their actions.
I know a community is changed forever, a man will have to live with his actions and a Mother will never hold her son again. Ever.
And all of it makes my head and heart hurt.
