I just realized I hadn’t updated my blog since I was in the hospital. Sorry-with the holidays and feeling crummy 23 out of 24 hours every day and my ‘chemo brain’ (believe me-it’s real!!) I feel like I haven’t had time to do anything.
So, here’s the highlights:
In case you hadn’t heard, drumroll please.....
NO METASTATIC DISEASE!!!
My hard fought for PET Scan showed that the areas in question on my back and pelvis were in fact not cancer spread but could be areas of old injury or arthritis.
BEST NEWS EVER! It was all I needed for Christmas, New Years and all my future birthdays!
And let me tell you, when you start thinking about having Stage 4 cancer and a lesion in your back, your thoughts of future birthdays changes dramatically. The median survival rate for stage 4 breast cancer is 55 months.
Yep, take that in....roughly 5 years.
My oldest would just likely be getting or recently married, maybe even starting a family.
My middle son...wait, who knows where he’ll be in life, but anywho...
And the youngest? Yes, still at home and completely dependent on me. And now my husband. Alone.
And my husband. Well, we know he’d never survive without me. ;)
All the things I would miss was really beginning to take a toll on my emotional health. I was sad, and angry and anxious and mad all at the same time. I started planning the remainder of my life in blocks of a few months at a time. And that was all dependent on actually feeling well enough to enjoy any of it.
I can honestly tell you that if we had found out it was metastatic disease, Brian was going to retire as soon as he could and we were taking off to cram all the things I ‘needed’ to do in five years.
And of course I began to realize that no matter how well I planned any of it, 55 months was simply not long enough to accomplish whatever it is I was put here for -still figuring THAT out BTW....
And I was mad. Angry. And if I talked about it I teared up. And how do you tell your kids that?
You don’t.
You put a smile on your face and deal.
You nod and smile and tell everyone you feel fine when you’re barely hanging on and want to scream at the sky.
You put makeup on when you go out to hide the eyelashes and eyebrows you’re losing and the toll the chemo is taking on your skin.
You try to keep everyone else around you from falling apart when you’re the one in pieces on the inside.
You pray and pray and pray some more and reaffirm your relationship with God.
You start repeating your go-to mantra
“It is what it is.”
“I can do this.”
No, I HAVE to do this.
And it’s exhausting.
My time sleeping and in bed was increasing. Because if I was asleep at least my brain was resting from the constant noise inside it.
So that should tell you how relieved I was to get that good news. I mean, the noise in my head is still there and the thought of this coming back a third time still haunts me, but I can at least put that on hold right now and fight the battle in front of me.
Speaking of...
I’m at my last chemo right now!!
Woo-hoo! We did cut my dose down 25% to hopefully keep the bad side effects at bay. After my third dose I was terribly sick again with fatigue and nausea and shortness of air and fevers and all that crap that I barely avoided another hospitalization. Though I did end up with a CT to rule out a pulmonary embolism. Thank goodness that was negative!
With the good news of no mets, I was able to meet with my amazing surgeon and set a surgery date!!
February 4th is the big date to get this shitty tumor out of my body!! We did find out that the chemo has shrunk this thing drastically-so Dr Wagner will be taking part of my pec muscle out with the tumor and any axillary lymph nodes that are still there. If there are any lymph nodes I will end up with a drain after surgery and if not-no drain. I’m good either way-I just want anything in there that could come back to haunt me to be gone this time for good!
More good news-my implant gets to stay for radiation after my surgery!! Then, if it changes shape from the surgery and radiation, or I’m just not happy with them they can be traded out in the near future too! Insurance is gonna love me this new year....
We are heading to St Charles this weekend for a belated Christmas celebration and just fun family get together with Brian’s family that we are all looking forward too!
Hailey is in Chicago with Logan having a blast. Parker has been extremely helpful at home with the bald kid and me.
And the bald kid has been healthy! He was fighting a nasty cough and some congestion he just couldn’t get rid of, but we got him all squared away with his inhalers and essential oils and some immune stick we use on his chest. Keeping him out of the hospital was my goal while I was on treatment and we have succeeded! Though on a funny note, I’ve completely failed in my other aspect of parenthood as Ethan’s first day back to school was today.
Or supposed to be.
Guess who didn’t know and therefore didn’t get the bald kid up until 10am??? Yep, mom fail. Oh well...
Sorry for the long update. Promise to post more in the new year. We had a fabulously low key holiday complete with some awesome food, the hilarious great big ball of glory game, a game of Left/Right/Center that my starving college student nephew won, and a completely hysterical and inappropriate game of Cards Against Humanity with my Mom, kids and my 14 year old nephew!!!
Thank you again to everyone who helped out and showed up for the Head shaving event. It was wildly successful and help put my worried mind at ease.
I truly have the best tribe in my corner and couldn’t do this without you.
From the gifts to the donations and the PTO donations-its all so supremely humbling. We will definitely be paying forward all this kindness shown to us.
My best to you and yours in the upcoming year. Make the most of it. I learned this year-late in the year but never too late in life to make each day count. Because believe me when I say how quickly your life plans can be altered in an instant and you don’t want to have any regrets!
My main New Years Resolution is to beat this cancer AGAIN!
Got lots more I’ll share with you soon!
Love, hugs and prayers,
K
