It’s not even 9pm on New Year’s Eve of a new decade and I’m comfortably lounging in my jammies, a hot toddy in one hand and the remote in the other. Hubby is working The Power & Light NYE Party (KC’s restaurant/bar district)
Hailey is in Chicago getting ready for their big night out, Parker is downstairs with friends getting ready to leave the house so it’s me, the bald kid-who would rather watch King Julian than hang with me, and the dogs-who are happy to be sitting basically on my lap.
2019 was a crazy year.....
I beat breast cancer. Again.
Hailey graduated from college
Parker is still at home and deciding (and changing his mind weekly) what he wants to do when he grows up.
Ethan started growing hair. Ok it’s really just a patch. And it’s dark. And it’s hideous and probably gonna get shaved off soon. But hey, maybe he won’t be ‘the bald kid’ forever.
Brian was diagnosed with diabetes. Which he’s handling quite well.
We met Brian’s new extended family at the family reunion and were welcomed with open arms and are already looking forward to the next one.
I went fishing in the ocean again. And loved it.
I got to visit a city on my bucket list and eat beignets, buy a voo-doo doll, drink a hurricane at Pat O’s and walk down Bourbon Street in the heart of NOLA.
I binged a lot of Netflix and Prime.
I read fewer books than I wanted to.
I made some new friends and spent time with my old faves.
We gained a dog, and we lost one.
Some days I smiled and laughed so much my face hurt and other days I cried so much I thought I would run out of tears.
Funny, you don’t.
We lived and we loved and we learned.
And that’s all from just one year-there’s not enough time to recap the decade-just know I started it in my late 30’s and thought I knew it all-only to be quickly educated and now in my late 40’s can admit I will never know it all!
Time is precious and short and though parts of 2019 were challenging at best and downright shitty at the worst, I wouldn’t trade who I did this last year with.
I can only hope 2020 is a little less ‘extra’. But being that we are who we are, that’s highly unlikely.
So it is what it is, and we welcome it with open arms.
And a few shots.
Happy New Year!
May your 2020 be all that you want it to be-and all that you make of it.
Cause I’m making it my bitch, so drop that ball and get this New Decade going-I’ve got stuff to accomplish!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Is summer really almost over???
I cannot believe August is almost over.
This summer flew by.
Just a quick update of the latest in our crazy world;
Bald kid is back in school for a week and I get notes home that totally bust his freeloading skinny hiney about how many steps he’s taking there. Yeah, we’ll be setting some goals for that step taking at home real soon Ethan Charles.
He’s got several of his annual appointments coming up soon-Cardiology (with our other favorite bald guy)Rehab (with a new doc!)
Ortho (love Dr Schwend) and a PT eval to re-start some pool therapy and a nutrition check for his weight loss over the last year (12 pounds lost unintentionally). I’ll share hopefully all good news from those!
Parker and Hailey are both in our basement just like the good ole days. You know-one nagging the other over the dirty bathroom and trash emptying and laundry while the other rolls his eyes at her and does most of it to annoy her I’m sure. I have to be honest though, in the midst of the sibling discord, I am happy they are both under my roof. And even though they may act like they can’t stand one another, they have been going to the gym together and my house has never been vacuumed this much since we moved in!
We celebrated my Dad’s 75th Birthday and had some awesome family pics taken. I really like the one of Dad and Teresa and my siblings and spouses! Hailey was in Chi-Town at Lollapalooza so we’ll have to photoshop her in later I guess. I’m lucky to still have my Dad around and kickin’, Lord knows I gave him plenty of gray hair and high blood pressure in those 75 years...
Since my cough sounds like that of a 3 pack a day, oxygen wearing, 80 year old with emphysema, I earned myself a bronch. Among other tests in the weeks to come.
A bronchoscopy is a procedure where a pulmonologist will pass a scope down into my lungs to take a look around, along with washings and a biopsy if warranted. The good part about this? The drugs. Oh, and maybe an answer to my 8 week coughing fit.
I’ve also scored an echo of my heart, a sleep study AND a methacholine challenge (test for asthma).
Had the bronch done yesterday and it was not my test of choice. Though Dr Ladesic only had the scope down for 6 whole minutes and that part wasn’t bad at all thanks to the versed and fentanyl, the prep for it was terrible! First you do a breathing treatment with lidocaine to numb your mouth and throat. And numb it becomes. I felt like I couldn’t swallow or cough. Then they shoot some lidocaine jelly up your nose-both nostrils-to numb that where the scope will go. Yes, down your nose. My eyes watered, my nose burned, my mouth and throat were numb and then I was asleep and it was all over. I was not really totally asleep-but I definitely don’t recall any of the scope placement at all. He took some washings and scrapings and we should have results by end of this week.
I’ll just be thrilled to hopefully have some answers and maybe some relief soon. It’s getting exhausting. Though I can say I’ve broken into my stash of “the good pills” I had while on chemo and had some decent sleep the last few nights.
I’ve also come to realize that I am simply not going to ever get rid of my glasses. After trying some multi-focal contacts the last two weeks, and actually having both contacts in the same eye at one point, I am admittedly going shopping for some new spectacles on my days off.
Don’t. Even. Ask.
It wasn’t pretty and I’m shocked I was able to figure out what I did wrong and not jack the contacts up. Or my eye.
Touching your eyeball is not all that-I’ll stick with glasses for now. Probably forever.
Our friends from Oregon passed through KC on their multi-state camping journey and we were so happy to spend some time with them and meet their little girl! Wish it could have been longer-we promise we will make it to Portland soon Wackfords!
Brian and I are getting ready to take a kidless vacay to Gulf Shores and we are so excited! We’ve got an offshore fishing trip planned and a jaunt over to NOLA to visit his Uncle Mike and Aunt Margaret and cousin Little Mike and Sydney-someplace neither one of us have been! Send me your must-sees, must-dos, must-eats and drinks....
And since Labor Day is right around the corner, you know what that means in KC right?? Irish Fest!!! We are for sure heading down Saturday-depending on the rain-so if anyone wants to join us-Slainte!
Will keep you updated on my tests and results. Please send the good juju-and the health fairies my way-I don’t want to be sick on our upcoming trip!
-K
This summer flew by.
Just a quick update of the latest in our crazy world;
Bald kid is back in school for a week and I get notes home that totally bust his freeloading skinny hiney about how many steps he’s taking there. Yeah, we’ll be setting some goals for that step taking at home real soon Ethan Charles.
He’s got several of his annual appointments coming up soon-Cardiology (with our other favorite bald guy)Rehab (with a new doc!)
Ortho (love Dr Schwend) and a PT eval to re-start some pool therapy and a nutrition check for his weight loss over the last year (12 pounds lost unintentionally). I’ll share hopefully all good news from those!
Parker and Hailey are both in our basement just like the good ole days. You know-one nagging the other over the dirty bathroom and trash emptying and laundry while the other rolls his eyes at her and does most of it to annoy her I’m sure. I have to be honest though, in the midst of the sibling discord, I am happy they are both under my roof. And even though they may act like they can’t stand one another, they have been going to the gym together and my house has never been vacuumed this much since we moved in!
We celebrated my Dad’s 75th Birthday and had some awesome family pics taken. I really like the one of Dad and Teresa and my siblings and spouses! Hailey was in Chi-Town at Lollapalooza so we’ll have to photoshop her in later I guess. I’m lucky to still have my Dad around and kickin’, Lord knows I gave him plenty of gray hair and high blood pressure in those 75 years...
Since my cough sounds like that of a 3 pack a day, oxygen wearing, 80 year old with emphysema, I earned myself a bronch. Among other tests in the weeks to come.
A bronchoscopy is a procedure where a pulmonologist will pass a scope down into my lungs to take a look around, along with washings and a biopsy if warranted. The good part about this? The drugs. Oh, and maybe an answer to my 8 week coughing fit.
I’ve also scored an echo of my heart, a sleep study AND a methacholine challenge (test for asthma).
Had the bronch done yesterday and it was not my test of choice. Though Dr Ladesic only had the scope down for 6 whole minutes and that part wasn’t bad at all thanks to the versed and fentanyl, the prep for it was terrible! First you do a breathing treatment with lidocaine to numb your mouth and throat. And numb it becomes. I felt like I couldn’t swallow or cough. Then they shoot some lidocaine jelly up your nose-both nostrils-to numb that where the scope will go. Yes, down your nose. My eyes watered, my nose burned, my mouth and throat were numb and then I was asleep and it was all over. I was not really totally asleep-but I definitely don’t recall any of the scope placement at all. He took some washings and scrapings and we should have results by end of this week.
I’ll just be thrilled to hopefully have some answers and maybe some relief soon. It’s getting exhausting. Though I can say I’ve broken into my stash of “the good pills” I had while on chemo and had some decent sleep the last few nights.
I’ve also come to realize that I am simply not going to ever get rid of my glasses. After trying some multi-focal contacts the last two weeks, and actually having both contacts in the same eye at one point, I am admittedly going shopping for some new spectacles on my days off.
Don’t. Even. Ask.
It wasn’t pretty and I’m shocked I was able to figure out what I did wrong and not jack the contacts up. Or my eye.
Touching your eyeball is not all that-I’ll stick with glasses for now. Probably forever.
Our friends from Oregon passed through KC on their multi-state camping journey and we were so happy to spend some time with them and meet their little girl! Wish it could have been longer-we promise we will make it to Portland soon Wackfords!
Brian and I are getting ready to take a kidless vacay to Gulf Shores and we are so excited! We’ve got an offshore fishing trip planned and a jaunt over to NOLA to visit his Uncle Mike and Aunt Margaret and cousin Little Mike and Sydney-someplace neither one of us have been! Send me your must-sees, must-dos, must-eats and drinks....
And since Labor Day is right around the corner, you know what that means in KC right?? Irish Fest!!! We are for sure heading down Saturday-depending on the rain-so if anyone wants to join us-Slainte!
Will keep you updated on my tests and results. Please send the good juju-and the health fairies my way-I don’t want to be sick on our upcoming trip!
-K
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Hello, my name is Kari. And I’m a Quitter.
I’m a quitter.
If there was a Quitter’s Anonymous I’d be the leader of the meetings.
But eventually I would quit those too, because historically, I’m a quitter.
I’m a great starter.
I love to start new programs, new challenges, new work-outs, new groups, new anything and I’m in!
All in, 100% gung-ho, balls to the wall, sign me up, I’ll buy that, ALL IN.
But....then I quit.
My intentions are always good.
Each new thing I start is ‘the one’.
The one I’m going to stick to, the one I’m going to work hard at.
The one I’m going to FINISH.
And....then I quit.
So last year when Sally messaged me after I posted on her page about a product/program
(Insert my husband’s groan “again???” here)
I told her my goal was to firm up my nutrition before I started chemo.
I wanted to have something good, nutritious, easy to make and carry, easy to get and keep down when absolutely nothing appealed to my chemo wrecked taste buds.
And I bought a bag of Shakeology every month or so. And I even did a work-out or two here or there.
After chemo I had surgery and a bad arm.
Then radiation and a worse arm.
And Sally never went away.
She wasn’t in my face about my nutrition or my work outs or my purchases.
She sent little messages.
“Thinking about you today. Hope you’re feeling well”
“You’re such an inspiration!”
“You got this”
“Sorry you feel so bad”
And really, she should have quit on me.
I was a sideline watcher.
A creeper.
A Facebook stalker.
I watched all her pages and posts and Lives.
And I just watched. Never really participated.
And Sally never went away.
A couple weeks ago she messaged me about a new program our team was starting.
Really, when I’ve quit everything else to date she thought what the heck-and gave me the opportunity to start it.
And I’m so glad I did.
I made a commitment to this new program
Morning Meltdown 100 by Beachbody.
100 days of workouts with nutrition plans and recipes included.
Sure! Sign me up!
I mean, I am a FABULOUS STARTER.
just a seasoned quitter too
So I started the MM100 last Monday.
And I loved it from day 1!
20-30 min workouts in my own home!
For my bad knees, uncoordinated self, having the 2 modifiers has been a lifesaver. And when it’s a move I simply am not able to do yet, I just keep moving the best way I can.
Because someday, I WILL be able to do those damn firecracker kicks-I promise you!
I got through the first full week. My nutrition definitely needed a little work (ok a lot!)
But I did 8 work-outs in a row. Or if I missed one, I doubled up the next day. And then the crappy upper respiratory stuff I’ve been battling for 6 weeks got the best of me.
Long nights of coughing and no sleep did not bode well for workouts. So I got 4 behind.
Poor nutrition didn’t help at all either.
So I got another round of steroids, pushed the water and good dense nutrition and perked up.
My goal was to start the 3 Day Refresh program today as a jumpstarter to the next week of workouts.
Remember what a quitter I am??
Well, I did day one with no problems!
They laughed at me at work when I walked in today with my Nutribullet to mix my shakes in.
And I had all the foods on the plan today AND did workout #14/100 when I got home from work!
As I get ready for bed and feel amazing all I can say is that I’m so glad Sally didn’t quit on me.
And that she invited me into her group of amazing, motivated, positive, REAL, everyday women just supporting one another in this crazy journey called life.
A group I don’t want to quit.
So, be somebody’s Sally.
Because you never know, there might just be a quitter like me waiting for you.
Who needs you like I needed Sally.
So I can leave my quitting days behind.
If there was a Quitter’s Anonymous I’d be the leader of the meetings.
But eventually I would quit those too, because historically, I’m a quitter.
I’m a great starter.
I love to start new programs, new challenges, new work-outs, new groups, new anything and I’m in!
All in, 100% gung-ho, balls to the wall, sign me up, I’ll buy that, ALL IN.
But....then I quit.
My intentions are always good.
Each new thing I start is ‘the one’.
The one I’m going to stick to, the one I’m going to work hard at.
The one I’m going to FINISH.
And....then I quit.
So last year when Sally messaged me after I posted on her page about a product/program
(Insert my husband’s groan “again???” here)
I told her my goal was to firm up my nutrition before I started chemo.
I wanted to have something good, nutritious, easy to make and carry, easy to get and keep down when absolutely nothing appealed to my chemo wrecked taste buds.
And I bought a bag of Shakeology every month or so. And I even did a work-out or two here or there.
After chemo I had surgery and a bad arm.
Then radiation and a worse arm.
And Sally never went away.
She wasn’t in my face about my nutrition or my work outs or my purchases.
She sent little messages.
“Thinking about you today. Hope you’re feeling well”
“You’re such an inspiration!”
“You got this”
“Sorry you feel so bad”
And really, she should have quit on me.
I was a sideline watcher.
A creeper.
A Facebook stalker.
I watched all her pages and posts and Lives.
And I just watched. Never really participated.
And Sally never went away.
A couple weeks ago she messaged me about a new program our team was starting.
Really, when I’ve quit everything else to date she thought what the heck-and gave me the opportunity to start it.
And I’m so glad I did.
I made a commitment to this new program
Morning Meltdown 100 by Beachbody.
100 days of workouts with nutrition plans and recipes included.
Sure! Sign me up!
I mean, I am a FABULOUS STARTER.
just a seasoned quitter too
So I started the MM100 last Monday.
And I loved it from day 1!
20-30 min workouts in my own home!
For my bad knees, uncoordinated self, having the 2 modifiers has been a lifesaver. And when it’s a move I simply am not able to do yet, I just keep moving the best way I can.
Because someday, I WILL be able to do those damn firecracker kicks-I promise you!
I got through the first full week. My nutrition definitely needed a little work (ok a lot!)
But I did 8 work-outs in a row. Or if I missed one, I doubled up the next day. And then the crappy upper respiratory stuff I’ve been battling for 6 weeks got the best of me.
Long nights of coughing and no sleep did not bode well for workouts. So I got 4 behind.
Poor nutrition didn’t help at all either.
So I got another round of steroids, pushed the water and good dense nutrition and perked up.
My goal was to start the 3 Day Refresh program today as a jumpstarter to the next week of workouts.
Remember what a quitter I am??
Well, I did day one with no problems!
They laughed at me at work when I walked in today with my Nutribullet to mix my shakes in.
And I had all the foods on the plan today AND did workout #14/100 when I got home from work!
As I get ready for bed and feel amazing all I can say is that I’m so glad Sally didn’t quit on me.
And that she invited me into her group of amazing, motivated, positive, REAL, everyday women just supporting one another in this crazy journey called life.
A group I don’t want to quit.
So, be somebody’s Sally.
Because you never know, there might just be a quitter like me waiting for you.
Who needs you like I needed Sally.
So I can leave my quitting days behind.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Just an update...
About a month ago I started having some weird pains in my right arm. Yep, the same side all my problems started with, and very similar to the pain a year ago that prompted me to get the ultrasound that found my recurrence. My arm was falling asleep and heavy feeling and I felt like there was a string connecting the inside of my elbow to my shoulder blade and every time I moved my arm it tightened. I started having trouble with range of motion reaching my arm over my head or behind my back. One day at work I actually had to have a co-worker put my jacket on me because I simply couldn’t reach back with my arm.
It didn’t feel like lymphedema-which is what can happen after an axillary lymph node dissection when lymph fluid has no place to go and the arm swells up-but then again I have never had lymphedema before so I wasn’t sure. I have a compression sleeve I wore as instructed-and it didn’t really resolve any of the symptoms.
I called my amazing lymphedema nurse Sabrina and told her what I was experiencing. When her response was “I need to see you right away-can you be here tomorrow at 11?” I knew something was going on.
My appointment with her was very educational.
Good news was I did NOT have lymphedema of my arm, but I did slightly have some going on in the right boob. Awesome. Easy fix-massage it out and wear a compression type camisole to sleep in for the next few weeks.
*thank goodness for the Ruby Ribbon tanks I bought last year!! Thanks Stephanie and Lori!
Bad news was I had a lymphatic cord in my arm, also known as Axillary Web Syndrome. When you have no lymph nodes, lymph fluid and cells and other stuff gets clogged up and solidifies.
Think Grandview Triangle at rush hour.
In the rain.
With a wreck.
*my KC peeps will get this analogy*
Yah, fun when that jam happens in your arm.
When that happens, you can actually feel and sometimes see a rope-like structure extending from the elbow to the armpit. Mine wasn’t visible to the eye because it was deep. But Sabrina could definitely feel it. And how does one ‘fix’ a lymphatic cord?
With a lot of deep massage.
And I mean DEEP massage.
Sabrina worked on my arm for about 15 minutes and it felt like an eternity. It was one of those ‘hurts so good’ type feelings because as she massaged, she was breaking that cord loose. And in turn, loosening the tightness and pain in my arm.
Woo-hoo! I left there with instructions to get an electric massager and work on my arm with it and do some stretching and range of motion exercises for the next few weeks and then see her back.
Within a couple of weeks it already felt better.
And then last weekend I noticed a hard lump under my original mastectomy scar extending the length of the scar from mid- chest to my armpit and it was tender to the touch. Knowing I was scheduled to see Sabrina today I didn’t worry about it.
And that’s what I get for thinking...
So my lymphatic cord is basically gone.
My breast lymphedema is cleared up.
And now I have radiation fibrosis to my scar and myofascial tissue around my right implant. Hence the hard, lumpy feeling.
Myofascial tissue is a type of connective tissue that provides support to your muscles and bones in basic terms. So, because I’m now 13 weeks out from radiation, we are seeing these side effects, and can for up to 8 months and sometimes a year post Rad zapping. And if I don’t do something about it now it will never get better.
Imagine being in terrible pain and being told that is the best it gets without intervention. If we didn’t work on it now and for the next few weeks it would only get worse.
Today Sabrina did some myofascial release work on my arm and at times I was fighting back tears.
But as bad as it hurt, I let her work on my arm for about 15 minutes. And I could not believe the relief when she was done.
And when she said I would be sore tonight she wasn’t lying. I’ll be popping a muscle relaxer and washing it down with a dry red before bed tonight.
BUT, since I was south of the river, I did get to go have lunch with my bestie that I don’t get to see often enough. Sarah is having some health issues of her own and an upcoming surgery that I know she is worried about so it was really nice to just relax and laugh, a lot, and catch up. She’s been there for me through all this bullshit so please say a prayer, light a candle, send good juju or whatever you do, for my friend for a successful surgery and easy recovery.
My fabulous KU CV RN friend-I may need you to keep an eye on her while she’s there! I’ll message you!
And my other bestie must have known we were talking about her because she text me in the middle of our lunch. Her Mama had surgery today for breast cancer and she’s her caregiver for the next couple of weeks so send her some strength too and her Mama some healing juju also!
Working like crazy the next few weeks. Using up all your PTO and sick time for treatments sucks so the OT has been nice. But apparently everyone in the city thinks my hospital is the place to be and CT scans are the cure for all that ails and we have been super busy pretty much every shift I’ve worked!
Next week we are going down to Fayetteville for one of the last times to bring all of Hailey’s stuff home. She still has some classes the first week of August, but has to be out of her apartment by the 27th. So she’s gonna stay with a sorority sister there and live out of her suitcase for a couple weeks until she’s home for a while.
Lots going on with the bald kid-I’ll save that for another post. Not bad-just some changes we are implementing.
Now I’m going for a walk in the cool (91 degrees at 9:30pm) night air to burn off some calories from lunch and then catch up on Handmaids Tale and Stranger Things....
It didn’t feel like lymphedema-which is what can happen after an axillary lymph node dissection when lymph fluid has no place to go and the arm swells up-but then again I have never had lymphedema before so I wasn’t sure. I have a compression sleeve I wore as instructed-and it didn’t really resolve any of the symptoms.
I called my amazing lymphedema nurse Sabrina and told her what I was experiencing. When her response was “I need to see you right away-can you be here tomorrow at 11?” I knew something was going on.
My appointment with her was very educational.
Good news was I did NOT have lymphedema of my arm, but I did slightly have some going on in the right boob. Awesome. Easy fix-massage it out and wear a compression type camisole to sleep in for the next few weeks.
*thank goodness for the Ruby Ribbon tanks I bought last year!! Thanks Stephanie and Lori!
Bad news was I had a lymphatic cord in my arm, also known as Axillary Web Syndrome. When you have no lymph nodes, lymph fluid and cells and other stuff gets clogged up and solidifies.
Think Grandview Triangle at rush hour.
In the rain.
With a wreck.
*my KC peeps will get this analogy*
Yah, fun when that jam happens in your arm.
When that happens, you can actually feel and sometimes see a rope-like structure extending from the elbow to the armpit. Mine wasn’t visible to the eye because it was deep. But Sabrina could definitely feel it. And how does one ‘fix’ a lymphatic cord?
With a lot of deep massage.
And I mean DEEP massage.
Sabrina worked on my arm for about 15 minutes and it felt like an eternity. It was one of those ‘hurts so good’ type feelings because as she massaged, she was breaking that cord loose. And in turn, loosening the tightness and pain in my arm.
Woo-hoo! I left there with instructions to get an electric massager and work on my arm with it and do some stretching and range of motion exercises for the next few weeks and then see her back.
Within a couple of weeks it already felt better.
And then last weekend I noticed a hard lump under my original mastectomy scar extending the length of the scar from mid- chest to my armpit and it was tender to the touch. Knowing I was scheduled to see Sabrina today I didn’t worry about it.
And that’s what I get for thinking...
So my lymphatic cord is basically gone.
My breast lymphedema is cleared up.
And now I have radiation fibrosis to my scar and myofascial tissue around my right implant. Hence the hard, lumpy feeling.
Myofascial tissue is a type of connective tissue that provides support to your muscles and bones in basic terms. So, because I’m now 13 weeks out from radiation, we are seeing these side effects, and can for up to 8 months and sometimes a year post Rad zapping. And if I don’t do something about it now it will never get better.
Imagine being in terrible pain and being told that is the best it gets without intervention. If we didn’t work on it now and for the next few weeks it would only get worse.
Today Sabrina did some myofascial release work on my arm and at times I was fighting back tears.
But as bad as it hurt, I let her work on my arm for about 15 minutes. And I could not believe the relief when she was done.
And when she said I would be sore tonight she wasn’t lying. I’ll be popping a muscle relaxer and washing it down with a dry red before bed tonight.
BUT, since I was south of the river, I did get to go have lunch with my bestie that I don’t get to see often enough. Sarah is having some health issues of her own and an upcoming surgery that I know she is worried about so it was really nice to just relax and laugh, a lot, and catch up. She’s been there for me through all this bullshit so please say a prayer, light a candle, send good juju or whatever you do, for my friend for a successful surgery and easy recovery.
My fabulous KU CV RN friend-I may need you to keep an eye on her while she’s there! I’ll message you!
And my other bestie must have known we were talking about her because she text me in the middle of our lunch. Her Mama had surgery today for breast cancer and she’s her caregiver for the next couple of weeks so send her some strength too and her Mama some healing juju also!
Working like crazy the next few weeks. Using up all your PTO and sick time for treatments sucks so the OT has been nice. But apparently everyone in the city thinks my hospital is the place to be and CT scans are the cure for all that ails and we have been super busy pretty much every shift I’ve worked!
Next week we are going down to Fayetteville for one of the last times to bring all of Hailey’s stuff home. She still has some classes the first week of August, but has to be out of her apartment by the 27th. So she’s gonna stay with a sorority sister there and live out of her suitcase for a couple weeks until she’s home for a while.
Lots going on with the bald kid-I’ll save that for another post. Not bad-just some changes we are implementing.
Now I’m going for a walk in the cool (91 degrees at 9:30pm) night air to burn off some calories from lunch and then catch up on Handmaids Tale and Stranger Things....
Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Our ‘New Family’ Reunion
STOP! If you haven’t read the prior Mother’s Day post, you’ll have a hard time following who these people are that I’m going to be referring to as family in this post. So if you want to be less confused, go back now and read it first. If you choose not to, that’s fine too-but don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
Last week Brian, Ethan and I along with Hailey and Logan had the pleasure of traveling to our First Ever Sago Family Reunion. I don’t know how many years they’ve done this, but they do it every other 4th of July and it rotates through the adult Sago Siblings as host. Brian’s Mom Rita is the second of 4 Sago kids, and the only girl. This year the Reunion was hosted by her older brother Al and his wife Marcia who live on Wilson Lake in Florence, Alabama.
And it was so wonderful to meet all of our new family members and their kids and learn so much about the Sago Family.
Brian, Ethan and I left KC on Monday July 1st with a packed van and Minions blasting and headed to St Louis to his Mom’s. There we had dinner with Rita and Kees and a few (too many) glasses of wine. Our wake-up call the next morning was to the lovely sounds of the fire alarm going off due to some bacon cooking....bacon was great, and I’m sure no one in the neighborhood was late for work on Tuesday! From there we headed to Nashville via a whole lotta slow driving for some ‘construction’ on the highway. We actually saw zero work being done, just one lane closed for miles and miles with orange cones. Ahem. We made it to Nashville and parted with Rita and Kees there as they headed further south to Florence and we spent the night to wait for Brian’s brother Kellen to get his wife Susy and the kids there from the airport-they had been in Texas with her Dad for a few weeks.
Wednesday morning we packed up the kids and ‘Shake & Bake’ aka Brian and Kellen and did some quick shopping at Reese Witherspoon’s store Draper James ($$$$-I stuck with the super cute gingham ‘Totes y’all’ lunchbox and a cup instead of the $250 tunic...still an adorable store with sweet Southern charm). Then hit Edley’s BBQ for lunch before we were back on the road to Alabama.
Once in Florence we were treated to a delicious dinner at Rosie’s Mexican Cantina with the whole family that had made it in town so far-like 36 of us! It was so fun, and loud, and I knew then that the week would be a smashing success.
Back to Al and Marcia’s beautiful home on the lake, and we laughed and shared the story of how we first began looking for Brian’s Bio Mom and who we connected with first and how it all played out last September. (You are totally lost here if you haven’t read my prior post-I warned you!!)
Hailey and Logan made it in town late Weds night, as did the Sago’s from New Orleans.
Thursday the 4th of July we headed back to Al and Marcia’s for pictures, bbq, boat rides, kayaking, cliff jumping, tubing, Moscow mules, fishing, fireworks, t-shirt tie dying, homemade ice cream and tons of fun!
From the beginning of this journey to finding out who Brian’s Bio Mom was and meeting her, we have been welcomed with open arms. Last week was nothing different. Everyone was so good to us, and kind and helpful and accommodating with Ethan and his needs and really, just. like. family.
The week for us finished out with a shrimp boil brought by Uncle Mike and Margaret fresh from NOLA. Shrimp, corn, sausage, mushrooms, potatoes, with lemons, onion and garlic was served and I don’t think anyone spoke while we devoured all that goodness. Well, except for when we were fighting over the mushrooms...
Later that evening Brian’s cousin Brett put on a amazing presentation of their Grandfather Alvin Sago’s military time from being drafted to storming the beach in Normandy on D-Day. It was a fabulous presentation of pictures and letters and stories and incredible information. In Brett’s research, he was also able to trace back their family to 1770 French born Alexandre Sago marrying Dutch Margaret born in Holland in 1765. They had seven children in 24 years and Alexandre died in Missouri in 1840 at the age of 70. I am absolutely fascinated with the genealogy of all of this, especially since it was through Ancestry that we found the first relative match of Brian’s-his Uncle Al (married to Marcia, children Brett and Stacy).
We were also introduced to a family tradition, the game of Spoons. I’m not sure any other family plays Spoons with as much gusto as the Sago family....let’s just say there were no injuries. Other than Aunt Marcia’s kitchen table which now needs to be refinished.....Hailey jumped right in and made it to the final round only to be beaten by the veteran spoon player Amy (Brian’s sister) I will have to say the best move of them all was from Stacy-Brian’s cousin and fellow Breast Cancer Survivor, as she leapt and slid across the table and then wrestled the spoon from her nephew Mark!
As we relaxed that evening hoping to catch a glimpse of Natalie (Brian’s cousin)on TV as she couldn’t join us because she is an NBA Referee (Girl Power!) and had to be in Las Vegas for summer basketball, only to see there was an earthquake there that delayed the game due to the jumbo scoreboard shaking enough that they were worried it may fall on someone! FaceTiming with her later in her hotel room, she was experiencing the aftershocks and all the hangers in her closet were shaking!
I truly enjoyed getting to know everyone a little bit better-Little Mike the NOLA firefighter who kayaks with gators and his lovely wife Sydney who is an OT. His sister Michelle and her adorable daughter Brynnlee who has no fear and jumped off the cliff more than once. And Uncle Mike and Aunt Margaret-sharing a few LSU/Arkansas rivalry jabs with! We are hoping to get down to NOLA soon to spend some time with them.
Uncle Shelt and Aunt Jane who couldn’t believe poor Logan had never made homemade ice cream before so Uncle Shelt had to teach him exactly how it was done. Aunt Jane is probably one of the absolute nicest people I have ever met and their kids Natalie-who I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet and Stuart. Or Thuart as Eli calls him who helped with Ethan on the boat and getting his wheelchair up and down the deck.
(And who is single and darn cute btw ladies....)
Brett and Joni (Al and Marcia’s son and daughter in law) who were so fun to talk to and get to know and their kids Anna Paige-who every time she spoke to Ethan he was so intrigued by her and usually flashed her one of his toothy grins. And Mark-their youngest who is a flipmaster extraordinaire who was flipping off the tall dock next to ours and has the greatest personality! He spent lots of time explaining to Emery how earthquakes happen!
Stacy and Jason (Al and Marcia’s daughter and son-in-law) and what a small world to find out Stacy works with my cousin Holly Trumble in Oklahoma and is a fellow breast cancer sister! Their kids; Faith who is a sophomore at Oklahoma State and super talented, badass golfer. Brian is bringing her in to be the ringer on his KCPD Care Team Golf Tourney Team next year! And their son Taton who is also a great golfer and superb football player!
Thanks to Uncle Al and Aunt Marcia for opening your home to us all the hospitality you showed us all week-I imagine you needed a break after everyone left!
Of course spending more time with Momma Rita and Kees and Amy and Daniel and the boys and Kellen and Susy and their kids is always cherished-and being able to have this trip and time with all of them was wonderful.
I’m sure I sound like a crazy person and most of you got lost a few paragraphs back, but I come from a large, crazy family and they have always treated Brian like one of their own. But for him to finally have that connection of his own, his own big, loud, crazy family means more to us than many of you will ever know, and we want to thank everyone for making us feel at home! The kindness and caring, the generosity and inclusion-everyone acknowledged Ethan-especially all of the kids and made sure anything he could do they made happen-like riding in Uncle Shelt’s Boat! It all means so much to us. Hailey thoroughly enjoyed her time with her new cousins and I’m sure some shenanigans ensued we don’t know about!
We are already looking forward to the next one, but we don’t plan to wait that long before seeing y’all again!
Thank you for opening your hearts to us! We can’t wait to make more FAMILY memories with you all!
Last week Brian, Ethan and I along with Hailey and Logan had the pleasure of traveling to our First Ever Sago Family Reunion. I don’t know how many years they’ve done this, but they do it every other 4th of July and it rotates through the adult Sago Siblings as host. Brian’s Mom Rita is the second of 4 Sago kids, and the only girl. This year the Reunion was hosted by her older brother Al and his wife Marcia who live on Wilson Lake in Florence, Alabama.
And it was so wonderful to meet all of our new family members and their kids and learn so much about the Sago Family.
Brian, Ethan and I left KC on Monday July 1st with a packed van and Minions blasting and headed to St Louis to his Mom’s. There we had dinner with Rita and Kees and a few (too many) glasses of wine. Our wake-up call the next morning was to the lovely sounds of the fire alarm going off due to some bacon cooking....bacon was great, and I’m sure no one in the neighborhood was late for work on Tuesday! From there we headed to Nashville via a whole lotta slow driving for some ‘construction’ on the highway. We actually saw zero work being done, just one lane closed for miles and miles with orange cones. Ahem. We made it to Nashville and parted with Rita and Kees there as they headed further south to Florence and we spent the night to wait for Brian’s brother Kellen to get his wife Susy and the kids there from the airport-they had been in Texas with her Dad for a few weeks.
Wednesday morning we packed up the kids and ‘Shake & Bake’ aka Brian and Kellen and did some quick shopping at Reese Witherspoon’s store Draper James ($$$$-I stuck with the super cute gingham ‘Totes y’all’ lunchbox and a cup instead of the $250 tunic...still an adorable store with sweet Southern charm). Then hit Edley’s BBQ for lunch before we were back on the road to Alabama.
Once in Florence we were treated to a delicious dinner at Rosie’s Mexican Cantina with the whole family that had made it in town so far-like 36 of us! It was so fun, and loud, and I knew then that the week would be a smashing success.
Back to Al and Marcia’s beautiful home on the lake, and we laughed and shared the story of how we first began looking for Brian’s Bio Mom and who we connected with first and how it all played out last September. (You are totally lost here if you haven’t read my prior post-I warned you!!)
Hailey and Logan made it in town late Weds night, as did the Sago’s from New Orleans.
Thursday the 4th of July we headed back to Al and Marcia’s for pictures, bbq, boat rides, kayaking, cliff jumping, tubing, Moscow mules, fishing, fireworks, t-shirt tie dying, homemade ice cream and tons of fun!
From the beginning of this journey to finding out who Brian’s Bio Mom was and meeting her, we have been welcomed with open arms. Last week was nothing different. Everyone was so good to us, and kind and helpful and accommodating with Ethan and his needs and really, just. like. family.
The week for us finished out with a shrimp boil brought by Uncle Mike and Margaret fresh from NOLA. Shrimp, corn, sausage, mushrooms, potatoes, with lemons, onion and garlic was served and I don’t think anyone spoke while we devoured all that goodness. Well, except for when we were fighting over the mushrooms...
Later that evening Brian’s cousin Brett put on a amazing presentation of their Grandfather Alvin Sago’s military time from being drafted to storming the beach in Normandy on D-Day. It was a fabulous presentation of pictures and letters and stories and incredible information. In Brett’s research, he was also able to trace back their family to 1770 French born Alexandre Sago marrying Dutch Margaret born in Holland in 1765. They had seven children in 24 years and Alexandre died in Missouri in 1840 at the age of 70. I am absolutely fascinated with the genealogy of all of this, especially since it was through Ancestry that we found the first relative match of Brian’s-his Uncle Al (married to Marcia, children Brett and Stacy).
We were also introduced to a family tradition, the game of Spoons. I’m not sure any other family plays Spoons with as much gusto as the Sago family....let’s just say there were no injuries. Other than Aunt Marcia’s kitchen table which now needs to be refinished.....Hailey jumped right in and made it to the final round only to be beaten by the veteran spoon player Amy (Brian’s sister) I will have to say the best move of them all was from Stacy-Brian’s cousin and fellow Breast Cancer Survivor, as she leapt and slid across the table and then wrestled the spoon from her nephew Mark!
As we relaxed that evening hoping to catch a glimpse of Natalie (Brian’s cousin)on TV as she couldn’t join us because she is an NBA Referee (Girl Power!) and had to be in Las Vegas for summer basketball, only to see there was an earthquake there that delayed the game due to the jumbo scoreboard shaking enough that they were worried it may fall on someone! FaceTiming with her later in her hotel room, she was experiencing the aftershocks and all the hangers in her closet were shaking!
I truly enjoyed getting to know everyone a little bit better-Little Mike the NOLA firefighter who kayaks with gators and his lovely wife Sydney who is an OT. His sister Michelle and her adorable daughter Brynnlee who has no fear and jumped off the cliff more than once. And Uncle Mike and Aunt Margaret-sharing a few LSU/Arkansas rivalry jabs with! We are hoping to get down to NOLA soon to spend some time with them.
Uncle Shelt and Aunt Jane who couldn’t believe poor Logan had never made homemade ice cream before so Uncle Shelt had to teach him exactly how it was done. Aunt Jane is probably one of the absolute nicest people I have ever met and their kids Natalie-who I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet and Stuart. Or Thuart as Eli calls him who helped with Ethan on the boat and getting his wheelchair up and down the deck.
(And who is single and darn cute btw ladies....)
Brett and Joni (Al and Marcia’s son and daughter in law) who were so fun to talk to and get to know and their kids Anna Paige-who every time she spoke to Ethan he was so intrigued by her and usually flashed her one of his toothy grins. And Mark-their youngest who is a flipmaster extraordinaire who was flipping off the tall dock next to ours and has the greatest personality! He spent lots of time explaining to Emery how earthquakes happen!
Stacy and Jason (Al and Marcia’s daughter and son-in-law) and what a small world to find out Stacy works with my cousin Holly Trumble in Oklahoma and is a fellow breast cancer sister! Their kids; Faith who is a sophomore at Oklahoma State and super talented, badass golfer. Brian is bringing her in to be the ringer on his KCPD Care Team Golf Tourney Team next year! And their son Taton who is also a great golfer and superb football player!
Thanks to Uncle Al and Aunt Marcia for opening your home to us all the hospitality you showed us all week-I imagine you needed a break after everyone left!
Of course spending more time with Momma Rita and Kees and Amy and Daniel and the boys and Kellen and Susy and their kids is always cherished-and being able to have this trip and time with all of them was wonderful.
I’m sure I sound like a crazy person and most of you got lost a few paragraphs back, but I come from a large, crazy family and they have always treated Brian like one of their own. But for him to finally have that connection of his own, his own big, loud, crazy family means more to us than many of you will ever know, and we want to thank everyone for making us feel at home! The kindness and caring, the generosity and inclusion-everyone acknowledged Ethan-especially all of the kids and made sure anything he could do they made happen-like riding in Uncle Shelt’s Boat! It all means so much to us. Hailey thoroughly enjoyed her time with her new cousins and I’m sure some shenanigans ensued we don’t know about!
We are already looking forward to the next one, but we don’t plan to wait that long before seeing y’all again!
Thank you for opening your hearts to us! We can’t wait to make more FAMILY memories with you all!
Monday, May 13, 2019
A very special Mother’s Day Story...
What a weekend!
It simply does not seem possible that we watched my first born, stubborn, big hearted, chunky monkey graduate from College this weekend. And on Mother’s Day Weekend and exactly four years to the date she graduated from High School.
We are so proud of our girl and what she has accomplished, and look forward to an even brighter future! With her BS in Kinesiology she’ll be applying to Grad Schools for Physical Therapy in the fall. In the meantime I get her back under my roof for a short while!!
I can’t say enough thanks to everyone who made the trip to Arkansas this weekend to celebrate her achievement. One amazing woman in particular. Fitting that this is Mother’s Day weekend as I share with you a fairy tale. Our very own.
50 years ago a young college girl found herself pregnant and unwed. Though in love with her beau, she knew she had to finish college. Without her college education and dreams of becoming a teacher she had no means of supporting a new baby. She was unsure her family would support her. And family is everything to her. Days after she delivered a tiny baby boy on December 15th 1968 in a St Louis hospital, she made the selfless, heart wrenching decision to give that baby boy a life she was not able to give him at that moment. She gave that baby boy up for adoption. She left the hospital without her son and with a heavy heart.
She asked the attorney what he knew of the family her baby boy would go to, and all he could tell her was they were a couple in Kansas City.
For many years only 3 people knew of the sacrifice this brave young woman made. Herself, the baby’s father and her best friend. That burden weighed heavy on her heart and he was never far from her mind.
Fast forward and this young woman graduates from college, marries the beau she was madly in love with and gives birth to a beautiful little girl and a few years later and handsome baby boy.
Life happens. And so does divorce. This once madly in love couple go their separate ways and take different life paths.
This Mother, teacher, sister, daughter, aunt, friend to many meets a charming man with a Dutch accent and a new love story begins. In a whirlwind romance, they marry and move as far away as the Netherlands and Michigan and then settle back near her small Missouri hometown in St. Charles.
That beautiful girl and handsome boy she had grew up and during their childhood always noticed a melancholy attitude from their Mom during the month of December. She was unable to keep the secret of giving up her baby boy, their brother, for adoption so many years prior, and shared with them they had a brother out there, somewhere.
Over the years she struggled with wanting to find him, wondering how he was and who he was and who he had become.
Wondering if he had a good life. She consulted a private investigator and had no luck. She had nothing to go by. A sealed adoption and no names. She worried if she had any right to look for him. She had given him up-what if he didn’t know he was adopted? Her heart was full and empty at the same time. A piece was missing. And before she knew it, it had been almost 50 years of not knowing and she had all but given up......
Flashback to December 1968 to a young, married, Baptist couple living in Kansas City, Missouri. A couple who longed for a baby. Tried for a baby with no luck. A faithful man in Seminary and his bride whose hearts yearned to share their love with a baby. Then a phone call came. The young man’s Mother was a Nurse.
In a hospital in St. Louis.
And by January of 1969 they had adopted a tiny little boy whose birth mother’s sacrifice and bravery gave them all they had ever hoped for.
That little boy was so loved. And doted over. And was never allowed to get dirty. And loved even more. And that couple was honest with him from the time he was able to comprehend what adoption was. That little boy was raised with love and Jesus in his heart. As he grew older he wondered about his birth parents. Never with any malice or anger. Just wonder of who he was and where he came from.
Fast forward through high school and college and a great life to a career with the Kansas City Police Department. Then marrying a young, single mother of one and having two incredible boys together.
His wife comes from a large, extended family and was more than a driving force in wanting her husband to answer those questions he had. But never wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, his adoptive parents who provided him with a fabulous life, he didn’t pursue those questions for many years.
Cancer took this young man’s adopted Mother from him far too soon and he then became estranged from his adopted father and sister for many years after. Cut off from what was left of his family other than an Aunt and Uncle on his Dad’s side and Aunts and Uncles and cousins on Mother’s, he felt the time had come to find out more about his biological parents.
All adoption records in Missouri were sealed.
He petitioned to have his opened and was denied. He was actually informed no records existed of his birth. He had nothing to go by than being born in St. Louis and the hospital-which no longer existed.
But his wife is determined to a fault and had just the right person in her corner. Her step mom, who had taken up genealogy through Ancestry.com. She was fast becoming a pro at searching birth and death records and census reports and newspaper articles. She gifted her son-in-law with a DNA test submitting it through the Ancestry.com website one year for Christmas.
In February of 2016 a match was found. A man in Alabama with little social media presence but who was in and around the St Louis and Kansas City areas when this young man was born and adopted. He had a wife, son and daughter. It was a long shot, but an email was sent to this man’s son with an explanation of who he was and that he’d matched with his father as close as a first degree relative.
No answer. But they were not surprised-the email sounds like any of those crazy ones you get from foreign people willing pay you a million dollars to let them use your bank account....right....we’ve all seen those.
Then life happened and got busy and chaotic. And though the DNA match was often checked, and the social media presence of the people’s names they had were followed, not much could be gleaned from the information they had.
Then in 2017 it was decided that Missouri adoption records be unsealed. It required a form and signature and a $15 fee and upon January 1, 2018, all records could be accessed. However, if a bio parent chose not to have their names released they too could pay and have them redacted.
The form and fee from this man were received in Jefferson City, MO on January 4th. The anticipation was palpable. The excitement unimaginable. Until May 2018 came and a call to the state said they were so backlogged with adoption record release requests that they were months behind. It was May and they were just now working on the requests postmarked in January. A little let down, but still faithful this couple just kept waiting. A fun summer with their kids in Texas and an adult trip to Florida with friends and their minds were far from the adoption records. Until going through stacks of mail upon arriving home from vacation and there it was. The birth certificate had come....
“My Mom’s name is Rita” Brian said to me as I was perusing my own stacks of mail.
“What?” Dumbfounded. Thinking, no, your Mom’s name is Bev...
Wait. I froze. It hit me like a freight train.
“She’s the SISTER!! Your mom is the SISTER of the man your DNA matched with!”
I think we were both a little shell shocked as we began our social media searches and soon found Rita Sago VanStraalen.
Brian’s birth Mother.
The young college student who kept her pregnancy hidden from her family and friends and gave that baby boy to a couple who could give him a life she couldn’t right then.
We soon figured out from social media who his birth father was, Preston Mills and that he had 2 biological siblings. A sister, Amy Mills Smith and a brother Kellen Mills. God love when social media works for the good of something! The resemblance was uncanny between all of them! There was absolutely no denying Brian and Kellen were brothers.
But where do we go from here? Would Rita even welcome Brian contacting her? Does she care? Does her current husband know? Would lives be ruined?
Can Brian handle rejection if they want nothing to do with him?
Our hearts were overjoyed and cautiously optimistic at the same time. My heart couldn’t bear to see Brian hurt if they shunned him. I was scared and worried and anxious for him.
Being a cop and having been a detective, within 2 days he had an email address for Rita and he took a shot and sent her an email.
“.....I was born in St Louis in December 15, 1968 and given up for adoption. I recently acquired my birth certificate and it lists you as my biological Mother........”
When Brian text me her response I couldn’t get past the first line before I had to excuse myself from my patient on my CT Scanner to read the rest with tears streaming down my face.
“My dearest Brian,
I have waited almost 50 years for this day.....”
It was surreal. A dream. A fairy tale.
She wanted to meet. Sooner than later.
She and her husband Kees were leaving to visit the Netherlands within the next week and going to be gone for several weeks.
We set a date to meet for lunch in Columbia, MO the following Sunday. And then the phone calls and emails and texts and messages began. It was a whirlwind of emotions. My husband grinned from ear to ear every day. We were all up late every night for the next few days talking and learning about Brian’s new family. Being that Rita had shared with Amy and Kellen about Brian years prior, their knowledge of him made this family mesh even quicker.
My heart melted when Kellen told me he always felt a piece of his heart was missing until we found them.
A phone call to Brian’s bio father revealed he was remarried and that Brian also had a half-sister Taylor! Talk about bonus family!
It was a crazy week and we found ourselves sharing our amazing story every chance we got. With family and friends, with co-workers and even with complete strangers.
Somehow our story managed to work its way into almost every situation that week! My face hurt from laughing and crying and being up late. I felt like I was studying for a test trying to memorize all Brian’s newfound family members and who belonged to who.
And if you’ve followed my social media for the last 8 months you’ve seen firsthand how this has all played out. From the first meeting with Rita and Kees and Kellen, Susy and their kids to Amy and Daniel and their boys making a trip to KC. From a weekend spent with ‘new’ family that felt completely comfortable from the start to a whole new set of holiday traditions we got to be a part of for the first time. From phone calls and texts and visits and hugs to having Brian’s Mother at his daughter’s college graduation... she said more than once this weekend that if someone told her this time last year she would be spending it with us, she would have never believed it. And that on Mother’s Day she would get to hug and hold that baby boy she courageously gave to a loving family 50 1/2 years earlier.
We are looking forward to so many more years with our new family and making some damn amazing new memories. And thankful for God’s hand in the timing of all of this.
A week after we met his family, I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my previous breast cancer and He knew Brian needed some support. God knew and He brought them together. And we couldn’t be more happy.
So see, dreams do come true.
And fairy tales exist.
And this one is ours.
It simply does not seem possible that we watched my first born, stubborn, big hearted, chunky monkey graduate from College this weekend. And on Mother’s Day Weekend and exactly four years to the date she graduated from High School.
We are so proud of our girl and what she has accomplished, and look forward to an even brighter future! With her BS in Kinesiology she’ll be applying to Grad Schools for Physical Therapy in the fall. In the meantime I get her back under my roof for a short while!!
I can’t say enough thanks to everyone who made the trip to Arkansas this weekend to celebrate her achievement. One amazing woman in particular. Fitting that this is Mother’s Day weekend as I share with you a fairy tale. Our very own.
50 years ago a young college girl found herself pregnant and unwed. Though in love with her beau, she knew she had to finish college. Without her college education and dreams of becoming a teacher she had no means of supporting a new baby. She was unsure her family would support her. And family is everything to her. Days after she delivered a tiny baby boy on December 15th 1968 in a St Louis hospital, she made the selfless, heart wrenching decision to give that baby boy a life she was not able to give him at that moment. She gave that baby boy up for adoption. She left the hospital without her son and with a heavy heart.
She asked the attorney what he knew of the family her baby boy would go to, and all he could tell her was they were a couple in Kansas City.
For many years only 3 people knew of the sacrifice this brave young woman made. Herself, the baby’s father and her best friend. That burden weighed heavy on her heart and he was never far from her mind.
Fast forward and this young woman graduates from college, marries the beau she was madly in love with and gives birth to a beautiful little girl and a few years later and handsome baby boy.
Life happens. And so does divorce. This once madly in love couple go their separate ways and take different life paths.
This Mother, teacher, sister, daughter, aunt, friend to many meets a charming man with a Dutch accent and a new love story begins. In a whirlwind romance, they marry and move as far away as the Netherlands and Michigan and then settle back near her small Missouri hometown in St. Charles.
That beautiful girl and handsome boy she had grew up and during their childhood always noticed a melancholy attitude from their Mom during the month of December. She was unable to keep the secret of giving up her baby boy, their brother, for adoption so many years prior, and shared with them they had a brother out there, somewhere.
Over the years she struggled with wanting to find him, wondering how he was and who he was and who he had become.
Wondering if he had a good life. She consulted a private investigator and had no luck. She had nothing to go by. A sealed adoption and no names. She worried if she had any right to look for him. She had given him up-what if he didn’t know he was adopted? Her heart was full and empty at the same time. A piece was missing. And before she knew it, it had been almost 50 years of not knowing and she had all but given up......
Flashback to December 1968 to a young, married, Baptist couple living in Kansas City, Missouri. A couple who longed for a baby. Tried for a baby with no luck. A faithful man in Seminary and his bride whose hearts yearned to share their love with a baby. Then a phone call came. The young man’s Mother was a Nurse.
In a hospital in St. Louis.
And by January of 1969 they had adopted a tiny little boy whose birth mother’s sacrifice and bravery gave them all they had ever hoped for.
That little boy was so loved. And doted over. And was never allowed to get dirty. And loved even more. And that couple was honest with him from the time he was able to comprehend what adoption was. That little boy was raised with love and Jesus in his heart. As he grew older he wondered about his birth parents. Never with any malice or anger. Just wonder of who he was and where he came from.
Fast forward through high school and college and a great life to a career with the Kansas City Police Department. Then marrying a young, single mother of one and having two incredible boys together.
His wife comes from a large, extended family and was more than a driving force in wanting her husband to answer those questions he had. But never wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, his adoptive parents who provided him with a fabulous life, he didn’t pursue those questions for many years.
Cancer took this young man’s adopted Mother from him far too soon and he then became estranged from his adopted father and sister for many years after. Cut off from what was left of his family other than an Aunt and Uncle on his Dad’s side and Aunts and Uncles and cousins on Mother’s, he felt the time had come to find out more about his biological parents.
All adoption records in Missouri were sealed.
He petitioned to have his opened and was denied. He was actually informed no records existed of his birth. He had nothing to go by than being born in St. Louis and the hospital-which no longer existed.
But his wife is determined to a fault and had just the right person in her corner. Her step mom, who had taken up genealogy through Ancestry.com. She was fast becoming a pro at searching birth and death records and census reports and newspaper articles. She gifted her son-in-law with a DNA test submitting it through the Ancestry.com website one year for Christmas.
In February of 2016 a match was found. A man in Alabama with little social media presence but who was in and around the St Louis and Kansas City areas when this young man was born and adopted. He had a wife, son and daughter. It was a long shot, but an email was sent to this man’s son with an explanation of who he was and that he’d matched with his father as close as a first degree relative.
No answer. But they were not surprised-the email sounds like any of those crazy ones you get from foreign people willing pay you a million dollars to let them use your bank account....right....we’ve all seen those.
Then life happened and got busy and chaotic. And though the DNA match was often checked, and the social media presence of the people’s names they had were followed, not much could be gleaned from the information they had.
Then in 2017 it was decided that Missouri adoption records be unsealed. It required a form and signature and a $15 fee and upon January 1, 2018, all records could be accessed. However, if a bio parent chose not to have their names released they too could pay and have them redacted.
The form and fee from this man were received in Jefferson City, MO on January 4th. The anticipation was palpable. The excitement unimaginable. Until May 2018 came and a call to the state said they were so backlogged with adoption record release requests that they were months behind. It was May and they were just now working on the requests postmarked in January. A little let down, but still faithful this couple just kept waiting. A fun summer with their kids in Texas and an adult trip to Florida with friends and their minds were far from the adoption records. Until going through stacks of mail upon arriving home from vacation and there it was. The birth certificate had come....
“My Mom’s name is Rita” Brian said to me as I was perusing my own stacks of mail.
“What?” Dumbfounded. Thinking, no, your Mom’s name is Bev...
Wait. I froze. It hit me like a freight train.
“She’s the SISTER!! Your mom is the SISTER of the man your DNA matched with!”
I think we were both a little shell shocked as we began our social media searches and soon found Rita Sago VanStraalen.
Brian’s birth Mother.
The young college student who kept her pregnancy hidden from her family and friends and gave that baby boy to a couple who could give him a life she couldn’t right then.
We soon figured out from social media who his birth father was, Preston Mills and that he had 2 biological siblings. A sister, Amy Mills Smith and a brother Kellen Mills. God love when social media works for the good of something! The resemblance was uncanny between all of them! There was absolutely no denying Brian and Kellen were brothers.
But where do we go from here? Would Rita even welcome Brian contacting her? Does she care? Does her current husband know? Would lives be ruined?
Can Brian handle rejection if they want nothing to do with him?
Our hearts were overjoyed and cautiously optimistic at the same time. My heart couldn’t bear to see Brian hurt if they shunned him. I was scared and worried and anxious for him.
Being a cop and having been a detective, within 2 days he had an email address for Rita and he took a shot and sent her an email.
“.....I was born in St Louis in December 15, 1968 and given up for adoption. I recently acquired my birth certificate and it lists you as my biological Mother........”
When Brian text me her response I couldn’t get past the first line before I had to excuse myself from my patient on my CT Scanner to read the rest with tears streaming down my face.
“My dearest Brian,
I have waited almost 50 years for this day.....”
It was surreal. A dream. A fairy tale.
She wanted to meet. Sooner than later.
She and her husband Kees were leaving to visit the Netherlands within the next week and going to be gone for several weeks.
We set a date to meet for lunch in Columbia, MO the following Sunday. And then the phone calls and emails and texts and messages began. It was a whirlwind of emotions. My husband grinned from ear to ear every day. We were all up late every night for the next few days talking and learning about Brian’s new family. Being that Rita had shared with Amy and Kellen about Brian years prior, their knowledge of him made this family mesh even quicker.
My heart melted when Kellen told me he always felt a piece of his heart was missing until we found them.
A phone call to Brian’s bio father revealed he was remarried and that Brian also had a half-sister Taylor! Talk about bonus family!
It was a crazy week and we found ourselves sharing our amazing story every chance we got. With family and friends, with co-workers and even with complete strangers.
Somehow our story managed to work its way into almost every situation that week! My face hurt from laughing and crying and being up late. I felt like I was studying for a test trying to memorize all Brian’s newfound family members and who belonged to who.
And if you’ve followed my social media for the last 8 months you’ve seen firsthand how this has all played out. From the first meeting with Rita and Kees and Kellen, Susy and their kids to Amy and Daniel and their boys making a trip to KC. From a weekend spent with ‘new’ family that felt completely comfortable from the start to a whole new set of holiday traditions we got to be a part of for the first time. From phone calls and texts and visits and hugs to having Brian’s Mother at his daughter’s college graduation... she said more than once this weekend that if someone told her this time last year she would be spending it with us, she would have never believed it. And that on Mother’s Day she would get to hug and hold that baby boy she courageously gave to a loving family 50 1/2 years earlier.
We are looking forward to so many more years with our new family and making some damn amazing new memories. And thankful for God’s hand in the timing of all of this.
A week after we met his family, I was diagnosed with a recurrence of my previous breast cancer and He knew Brian needed some support. God knew and He brought them together. And we couldn’t be more happy.
So see, dreams do come true.
And fairy tales exist.
And this one is ours.
Thursday, May 2, 2019
May One, Day One.
I’ve been finished with all my cancer treatments for 11 days now and am considered officially ‘cancer free’. Woo-hoo!
I didn’t post during my radiation treatment mostly because it was exhausting and took everything in me to make it through 30 treatments plus work and have some semblance of a social life. Radiation therapy was the hardest thing I’ve done in this journey. And by hard I mean I could do chemo over again-not that I want to, but if I had to, I could. Surgery? Again, not by choice, but if I had to, yep, I could do that again. Probably because I’ve done both before, so I had the basics down as to what to expect. But Rad Therapy? Not. A. Clue.
Which sounds funny coming from me because I am a Rad Tech and went to Radiation Therapy school, ummmm 25 years ago....and as a 21 year old with little exposure to cancer other than my Grandmother, I had little personal knowledge of what I was doing to/for people.
I was extremely anxious when treatment started and all the way to the end. I mean all the way through treatment #30. There’s not a lot I get anxious about, and it was such a foreign emotion for me. And even though I could nod and smile and laugh and joke around and share stories with my Therapists and Dr and Nurses, my body couldn’t hide my anxiety. Every single Dr day my blood pressure was through the roof. Like 168/105 high. And my heart rate skyrocketed. And my palms were sweaty and my skin clammy and mouth dry. And I had to focus my mind and talk myself through each treatment.
I promised them it was just the treatment. And they got it. My amazing nurse Vickie said it’s not unusual as treatment comes to an end with each treatment counting down. But counting down to what? All of a sudden my cancer is gone? All cured? Because I followed the rules and did the chemo and the surgery and every single treatment and with each one somehow I was getting rid of all the cancer in my body? And I am just supposed to believe that because I did all of that it worked and I’m free and clear? That each time I climbed on that table and listened and held my breath and watched the linear accelerator move around me for 10 minutes every day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks that I’m actually all done with cancer? I suppose I could fixate on wondering if it all worked. OR, I could fixate on being done with treatment and doing all I could and all my amazing team did for me to get me to this point.
And revel in the fact that I did indeed, beat cancer. Again.
There’s no ‘3rd times a charm’ for me.
I needed the last week to rest from treatment and get out of the daily routine I was in fighting cancer. I’m sure it sounds unbelievable that I would feel lost without the treatment schedule I had been keeping. But for someone who’s been in my shoes, or as a caregiver of a loved one who passes away, you become what you do. And when what you do without a thought of how or why, you just do, it becomes who you are. It begins to define you. And when it’s gone or done, you feel a little lost, a little out of sorts. Like you’re not doing what you’re supposed to.
I became the breast cancer recurrence patient.
The one lymph node missed 7 years ago and her breast cancer came back person.
The girl with the hangnail while on chemo who needed 10 days of antibiotic treatment to keep from being hospitalized.
The chemo killed her white count and put her in the hospital girl.
The first time around crappy axillary lymph node dissection surgery patient.
The 1:45pm smart ass, funny story telling Radiation appointment.
The girl who annoyingly documented every single one of 30 Rad treatments with a funny photo just to get through them.
And I have to un-become that person.
There is life after cancer.
And life during cancer.
And life before cancer.
And life before the first time I had cancer.
And more than anything, I have to get back to just living life.
My best life.
So I’m calling today May One, Day One.
Day One of the rest of my life.
It sounds oddly cliche I know, but 7 months ago I wasn’t sure I would be traveling to Arkansas next week to watch my oldest graduate from college.
And I owe it to her, and my boys and my husband, and all my family and friends who were by my side and made sure I wanted for nothing these last 7 months. From a glass of water after my husband had just sat down or gotten in bed to my baby sister shaving her head and raising enough money to keep us from worrying financially to the meals friends brought us and the gifts people sent to the extra help at work from my co-workers picking up my slack, and the words of encouragement every single day. Because without all of you I wouldn’t have this Day One.
So I’m not taking anymore days for granted.
You are probably wondering ‘what next?’
Well, I’ll see my Oncologist every three months forever or until she’s tired of me. And along those lines we’ll order some imaging to ensure this doesn’t sneak up on us again.
I’ll see my surgeon in October and my amazing lymphedema specialist Sabrina this summer and again in October and deal with any issues that come up from having had a total of 27 lymph nodes taken out.
Other than that, my ‘what next’ involves having to unload the dishwasher again cause apparently my cancer card no longer works at home.....
And I have a life to live.
I plan to make it the best.
I didn’t post during my radiation treatment mostly because it was exhausting and took everything in me to make it through 30 treatments plus work and have some semblance of a social life. Radiation therapy was the hardest thing I’ve done in this journey. And by hard I mean I could do chemo over again-not that I want to, but if I had to, I could. Surgery? Again, not by choice, but if I had to, yep, I could do that again. Probably because I’ve done both before, so I had the basics down as to what to expect. But Rad Therapy? Not. A. Clue.
Which sounds funny coming from me because I am a Rad Tech and went to Radiation Therapy school, ummmm 25 years ago....and as a 21 year old with little exposure to cancer other than my Grandmother, I had little personal knowledge of what I was doing to/for people.
I was extremely anxious when treatment started and all the way to the end. I mean all the way through treatment #30. There’s not a lot I get anxious about, and it was such a foreign emotion for me. And even though I could nod and smile and laugh and joke around and share stories with my Therapists and Dr and Nurses, my body couldn’t hide my anxiety. Every single Dr day my blood pressure was through the roof. Like 168/105 high. And my heart rate skyrocketed. And my palms were sweaty and my skin clammy and mouth dry. And I had to focus my mind and talk myself through each treatment.
I promised them it was just the treatment. And they got it. My amazing nurse Vickie said it’s not unusual as treatment comes to an end with each treatment counting down. But counting down to what? All of a sudden my cancer is gone? All cured? Because I followed the rules and did the chemo and the surgery and every single treatment and with each one somehow I was getting rid of all the cancer in my body? And I am just supposed to believe that because I did all of that it worked and I’m free and clear? That each time I climbed on that table and listened and held my breath and watched the linear accelerator move around me for 10 minutes every day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks that I’m actually all done with cancer? I suppose I could fixate on wondering if it all worked. OR, I could fixate on being done with treatment and doing all I could and all my amazing team did for me to get me to this point.
And revel in the fact that I did indeed, beat cancer. Again.
There’s no ‘3rd times a charm’ for me.
I needed the last week to rest from treatment and get out of the daily routine I was in fighting cancer. I’m sure it sounds unbelievable that I would feel lost without the treatment schedule I had been keeping. But for someone who’s been in my shoes, or as a caregiver of a loved one who passes away, you become what you do. And when what you do without a thought of how or why, you just do, it becomes who you are. It begins to define you. And when it’s gone or done, you feel a little lost, a little out of sorts. Like you’re not doing what you’re supposed to.
I became the breast cancer recurrence patient.
The one lymph node missed 7 years ago and her breast cancer came back person.
The girl with the hangnail while on chemo who needed 10 days of antibiotic treatment to keep from being hospitalized.
The chemo killed her white count and put her in the hospital girl.
The first time around crappy axillary lymph node dissection surgery patient.
The 1:45pm smart ass, funny story telling Radiation appointment.
The girl who annoyingly documented every single one of 30 Rad treatments with a funny photo just to get through them.
And I have to un-become that person.
There is life after cancer.
And life during cancer.
And life before cancer.
And life before the first time I had cancer.
And more than anything, I have to get back to just living life.
My best life.
So I’m calling today May One, Day One.
Day One of the rest of my life.
It sounds oddly cliche I know, but 7 months ago I wasn’t sure I would be traveling to Arkansas next week to watch my oldest graduate from college.
And I owe it to her, and my boys and my husband, and all my family and friends who were by my side and made sure I wanted for nothing these last 7 months. From a glass of water after my husband had just sat down or gotten in bed to my baby sister shaving her head and raising enough money to keep us from worrying financially to the meals friends brought us and the gifts people sent to the extra help at work from my co-workers picking up my slack, and the words of encouragement every single day. Because without all of you I wouldn’t have this Day One.
So I’m not taking anymore days for granted.
You are probably wondering ‘what next?’
Well, I’ll see my Oncologist every three months forever or until she’s tired of me. And along those lines we’ll order some imaging to ensure this doesn’t sneak up on us again.
I’ll see my surgeon in October and my amazing lymphedema specialist Sabrina this summer and again in October and deal with any issues that come up from having had a total of 27 lymph nodes taken out.
Other than that, my ‘what next’ involves having to unload the dishwasher again cause apparently my cancer card no longer works at home.....
And I have a life to live.
I plan to make it the best.
Monday, February 25, 2019
Happy Monday!
I shared this 2 years ago when I made it to my 5 year ‘cancer free’ mark. And here I am seven years from the date of this picture with no hair, recent chemo and surgery (again) and getting ready to start radiation therapy. There have been lots of days in the last few months I’ve done the ‘why me’, ‘why again’ and ‘this is so not fair’ game. And not really feeling like participating in this fight. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed, but I am a total teeth brusher every morning even if I am just going to go right back to bed....something about the sun coming up and needing fresh breath and clean teeth.
Then today I woke up feeling fabulous after a kinda crummy weekend. Parker and his friends took a trip to California, Brian had to work this morning so I had a date with the bald kid and his school bus. Thank goodness Aunt Katie Zishka is his favorite and was able to come over and help me by doing all the pulling and lifting of his not-so-helpful skinny butt. (I’m still at a 10lb lifting restriction with my right arm). And his smile and laugh this morning reminded me why I do get up and fight this crappy fight, even on days I don’t want to.
And all the fabulous ladies in this picture who threw this ‘Bye Bye Boobies’ Party for me in 2012 are just another reminder. And their continued support, love and help. I wish I could add in dozens more faces of the amazing ‘new’ friends I’ve made since this pic was taken-I sure don’t want to leave out any of them and their love and support this time around. Kinda sucks to have ‘old’ and ‘new’ cancer friends, huh? But I do have some of the best. And today is one of those days I just want to say thank you and I love you all and you’re more appreciated than you can even imagine. And no, I haven’t even taken any narcotics this morning.
The sun is out and God is good. Don’t ever take for granted those you love and who love you. Tomorrow isn’t promised and five years seemed like such a milestone just two short years ago, and look where I am today. Seeing this pic in my time hop makes me smile and laugh big at what a night that was and how all these ladies made a really crappy thing O.K. and even funny-if only for a little while. And how they all stepped up again to remind me that I can do this.
Ps-if you look far enough back in my blog you can read about this night-it is pretty funny and I even kept Jenn Wolz out way past her bedtime....
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Surgery Follow-Up
Just got back from my 2 week follow up with my surgeon Dr Wagner and though I didn’t get to have this gnarly drain pulled, I did get really good news! Have I mentioned she’s totally my girl crush? She’s so smart and personable-and damn good at what she does!
The tumor she removed was approx 2.4 x 1.8 x 1.3 cm and she got at least 1mm margins all the way around it. The best news is that only 20% of that tumor still had active cancer cells which means the chemo had killed 80% of it already. This was fabulous news because hormonal cancers like mine don’t typically respond that well to chemotherapy!
So, on to the lymph node dissection....Dr Wagner knew she was probably going to be taking 1-3 nodes based on my prior MRI and their proximity to the tumor. But once she started working on the main tumor and saw how embedded in the muscle it was she realized it was likely a lymph node that had been missed from my previous surgery in 2012. She knew then she had to remove as many lymph nodes as possible and ended up taking 13 of them, getting up into my level ll axillary nodes. (There are 3 levels of axillary lymph nodes-most of my level l were removed with my first surgery in 2012-but not enough) As I mentioned in an earlier post, of the 13 she removed 2 were cancerous. They showed zero response to the chemo and the largest one was 8mm (just under a centimeter) and considered a macrometastasis due to its size. My concern with these two nodes and them showing no chemo response was that they would be considered metastatic disease. However, preventing that was Dr Wagner’s goal and why she took so many lymph nodes and why the next step of radiation is a must. Hormonal cancers like mine -95% Estrogen positive-are slow growing, hence the likelihood this recurrence was a missed lymph node and took so long to be big enough to be palpable. So at this point it doesn’t appear I will need to do any additional chemo, and my original staging has not changed (woo-hoo!) my bigger concern will be dealing with lymphedema.
Radiation Therapy is next, and as long as my drain gets pulled before next Thursday, I’m scheduled for my education and simulation that day. Treatments will be every day for 5-6 weeks, though there is a chance I will qualify for a study of hyperfractionated radiation which would reduce it to 4 weeks.
In the meantime I’m resting and trying to keep from doing too much so I can keep my drainage output to a minimum and get this damn thing pulled soon. And I’ve binge watched so much Netflix and Prime and on Demand that I’m sick and tired of the TV-though if you want some recommendations I’d have to go with ‘YOU’ and ‘Abducted in Plain Sight’ on Netflix for sure...and I’m a true crime buff so I’ve watched a ton of Datelines and a great recent one is ‘Reckless’ dealing with a young mans suicide and his girlfriend being charged with involuntary manslaughter...controversial yes-but good.
And I did just get Brian to watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and we’re ready to spark some joy up in here!
More than anything I’m ready to be done with this cancer crap and almost cried when we left the office today and I didn’t get to have my drain pulled. It was definitely not a crying situation, and the tears are more out of frustration of just having to do any of this from a damn missed lymph node from 7 years ago. Any and everything I want to do this spring is on hold for radiation and appointments and it just pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong-I’m grateful and happy to be alive and here to fight, but there are many days the smile on my face is forced and the fight gets tougher and tougher. And it’s the help and support from my family and friends that gets me through. That may sound trite, but the texts, cards and dinners and care packages and love from all of you really do keep me going. That and if anything I share from my experience can help even one woman, then I know the fight has been worth it.
So thank you all for everything you have done for our family.
Fingers crossed this last drain comes out end of the week or early next week!
The following are some pics from my surgical site-before the dressing was removed and how nicely my scar looks today. It’s definitely bigger than I expected but man does it look pretty and smooth.
Sorry for the graphic nature-but cancer ain’t pretty...
The tumor she removed was approx 2.4 x 1.8 x 1.3 cm and she got at least 1mm margins all the way around it. The best news is that only 20% of that tumor still had active cancer cells which means the chemo had killed 80% of it already. This was fabulous news because hormonal cancers like mine don’t typically respond that well to chemotherapy!
So, on to the lymph node dissection....Dr Wagner knew she was probably going to be taking 1-3 nodes based on my prior MRI and their proximity to the tumor. But once she started working on the main tumor and saw how embedded in the muscle it was she realized it was likely a lymph node that had been missed from my previous surgery in 2012. She knew then she had to remove as many lymph nodes as possible and ended up taking 13 of them, getting up into my level ll axillary nodes. (There are 3 levels of axillary lymph nodes-most of my level l were removed with my first surgery in 2012-but not enough) As I mentioned in an earlier post, of the 13 she removed 2 were cancerous. They showed zero response to the chemo and the largest one was 8mm (just under a centimeter) and considered a macrometastasis due to its size. My concern with these two nodes and them showing no chemo response was that they would be considered metastatic disease. However, preventing that was Dr Wagner’s goal and why she took so many lymph nodes and why the next step of radiation is a must. Hormonal cancers like mine -95% Estrogen positive-are slow growing, hence the likelihood this recurrence was a missed lymph node and took so long to be big enough to be palpable. So at this point it doesn’t appear I will need to do any additional chemo, and my original staging has not changed (woo-hoo!) my bigger concern will be dealing with lymphedema.
Radiation Therapy is next, and as long as my drain gets pulled before next Thursday, I’m scheduled for my education and simulation that day. Treatments will be every day for 5-6 weeks, though there is a chance I will qualify for a study of hyperfractionated radiation which would reduce it to 4 weeks.
In the meantime I’m resting and trying to keep from doing too much so I can keep my drainage output to a minimum and get this damn thing pulled soon. And I’ve binge watched so much Netflix and Prime and on Demand that I’m sick and tired of the TV-though if you want some recommendations I’d have to go with ‘YOU’ and ‘Abducted in Plain Sight’ on Netflix for sure...and I’m a true crime buff so I’ve watched a ton of Datelines and a great recent one is ‘Reckless’ dealing with a young mans suicide and his girlfriend being charged with involuntary manslaughter...controversial yes-but good.
And I did just get Brian to watch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo and we’re ready to spark some joy up in here!
More than anything I’m ready to be done with this cancer crap and almost cried when we left the office today and I didn’t get to have my drain pulled. It was definitely not a crying situation, and the tears are more out of frustration of just having to do any of this from a damn missed lymph node from 7 years ago. Any and everything I want to do this spring is on hold for radiation and appointments and it just pisses me off. Don’t get me wrong-I’m grateful and happy to be alive and here to fight, but there are many days the smile on my face is forced and the fight gets tougher and tougher. And it’s the help and support from my family and friends that gets me through. That may sound trite, but the texts, cards and dinners and care packages and love from all of you really do keep me going. That and if anything I share from my experience can help even one woman, then I know the fight has been worth it.
So thank you all for everything you have done for our family.
Fingers crossed this last drain comes out end of the week or early next week!
The following are some pics from my surgical site-before the dressing was removed and how nicely my scar looks today. It’s definitely bigger than I expected but man does it look pretty and smooth.
Sorry for the graphic nature-but cancer ain’t pretty...
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
And the pathology is in....
Dr Wagner called today to give me my pathology results that are already back!
It appears that she got clear margins on the muscle side of the tumor-though that can be hard to tell because muscle contracts when cut on. Regardless, she feels comfortable that if any microscopic disease was left the radiation will get it!
She removed 13 lymph nodes from my right axilla and 2 were positive for cancer. One was large enough to be considered macrometastasis at 8mm in size. This could possibly mean some more chemo-but again, the radiation will also help here. It definitely means I will likely struggle with some lymphedema this time for sure and and just glad to have already been set up with Sabrina, the Lymphedema RN Specialist-who I’ll see again in 2 weeks. I see Dr Sheehan later this month and will know then if more chemo is needed.
Until then I’m resting, doing my arm exercises and catching up on all my shows!
Thanks to Sarah Wright for dinner tonight-my fave comfort food chicken pot pie and her amazing salted caramel brownies will hit the spot.
Gonna shower later to get all the hospital funk off me and finally check out my drain and incision site.
More later!
-K
It appears that she got clear margins on the muscle side of the tumor-though that can be hard to tell because muscle contracts when cut on. Regardless, she feels comfortable that if any microscopic disease was left the radiation will get it!
She removed 13 lymph nodes from my right axilla and 2 were positive for cancer. One was large enough to be considered macrometastasis at 8mm in size. This could possibly mean some more chemo-but again, the radiation will also help here. It definitely means I will likely struggle with some lymphedema this time for sure and and just glad to have already been set up with Sabrina, the Lymphedema RN Specialist-who I’ll see again in 2 weeks. I see Dr Sheehan later this month and will know then if more chemo is needed.
Until then I’m resting, doing my arm exercises and catching up on all my shows!
Thanks to Sarah Wright for dinner tonight-my fave comfort food chicken pot pie and her amazing salted caramel brownies will hit the spot.
Gonna shower later to get all the hospital funk off me and finally check out my drain and incision site.
More later!
-K
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Surgery done....home to heal
I’m home with my fancy pink bra with special drain loops and a Jackson-Pratt drain. Just one drain this time-which is nice, though I was hoping for none.
The tumor had shrunk quite a bit from the chemo, which is good, but just meant what was left had to be carefully resected from my minor pectoral muscle. That was the easy part! The part of the tumor that had overlapped my axillary vein was the tricky part. Dr Wagner had to debulk a lot of scar tissue, take some more lymph nodes that were too close to the tumor and try not to damage any nerves along the way. All this tedious work done in a very small area left those tissues and my arm highly irritated post-op.
In the recovery room my pain was so bad my blood pressure was 160’s/100. And 25mcgs of Fentanyl with IV Tylenol wasn’t even close to cutting it. I can’t even begin to describe how bad it hurt. Considering I had a bilateral mastectomy 7 years ago and spent 4 days post-op with just Tylenol for pain relief because that’s when we found out I was allergic to codeine, and this pain was worse than that....yes-it hurt and I was a wreck. The pain was a cross between numbness and tingling from my armpit to my fingers and a stabbing pain in my scapula all the while feeling like my entire shoulder area was in a vice grip. Oh, and the burning under my arm felt like a hot poker. Good news though-with all that craziness going on, I barely notice how uncomfortable the drain is!
It took lots of experimenting with pain medicines to figure out the perfect combo of Tramadol and Tylenol, Valium every 6 hours for the muscle spasms and MS Contin every 12 hours to get my blood pressure down and the pain under control enough to go home.
I have to say I have been extremely impressed with KU through all of this. The education I’ve received about every aspect of this journey from surgery to post-op care, exercises and drain care, and potential lymphedema has been amazing. My surgeon and all the staff were awesome. My first surgery 7 years ago I left the hospital with little info about restrictions and drain care, a surgeon who left town and his partner who saw me on discharge day who was less than helpful, so the fancy books I get from KU are a nice and welcome change from that previous experience.
My friend, neighbor and co-worker Sara started a Meal Train for us-let me know if you want the link. I can’t raise my right arm any higher than shoulder level and no lifting heavier than 5lbs right now so me in the kitchen, attempting to cook is definitely a no-go for a while. Thanks to my Momma and sisters for joining us yesterday and for my Rose who almost got kicked out of the Recovery Room for coming to check on me! I was coming out of my anesthesia high and writhing in pain and heard someone call me an asshole and though I couldn’t see her very clearly, I knew the voice of my favorite smart-ass former co-worker! Thanks for stopping by this morning -I was definitely in less pain!
Got a couple days of resting to look forward to, so throw me your Netflix/Hulu/Prime faves I can binge. I’ll just be waiting on pathology hopefully showing all clear margins! Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers!
Will update later this week!
Gotta go show Brian how to strip and dump my drain!
-K
The tumor had shrunk quite a bit from the chemo, which is good, but just meant what was left had to be carefully resected from my minor pectoral muscle. That was the easy part! The part of the tumor that had overlapped my axillary vein was the tricky part. Dr Wagner had to debulk a lot of scar tissue, take some more lymph nodes that were too close to the tumor and try not to damage any nerves along the way. All this tedious work done in a very small area left those tissues and my arm highly irritated post-op.
In the recovery room my pain was so bad my blood pressure was 160’s/100. And 25mcgs of Fentanyl with IV Tylenol wasn’t even close to cutting it. I can’t even begin to describe how bad it hurt. Considering I had a bilateral mastectomy 7 years ago and spent 4 days post-op with just Tylenol for pain relief because that’s when we found out I was allergic to codeine, and this pain was worse than that....yes-it hurt and I was a wreck. The pain was a cross between numbness and tingling from my armpit to my fingers and a stabbing pain in my scapula all the while feeling like my entire shoulder area was in a vice grip. Oh, and the burning under my arm felt like a hot poker. Good news though-with all that craziness going on, I barely notice how uncomfortable the drain is!
It took lots of experimenting with pain medicines to figure out the perfect combo of Tramadol and Tylenol, Valium every 6 hours for the muscle spasms and MS Contin every 12 hours to get my blood pressure down and the pain under control enough to go home.
I have to say I have been extremely impressed with KU through all of this. The education I’ve received about every aspect of this journey from surgery to post-op care, exercises and drain care, and potential lymphedema has been amazing. My surgeon and all the staff were awesome. My first surgery 7 years ago I left the hospital with little info about restrictions and drain care, a surgeon who left town and his partner who saw me on discharge day who was less than helpful, so the fancy books I get from KU are a nice and welcome change from that previous experience.
My friend, neighbor and co-worker Sara started a Meal Train for us-let me know if you want the link. I can’t raise my right arm any higher than shoulder level and no lifting heavier than 5lbs right now so me in the kitchen, attempting to cook is definitely a no-go for a while. Thanks to my Momma and sisters for joining us yesterday and for my Rose who almost got kicked out of the Recovery Room for coming to check on me! I was coming out of my anesthesia high and writhing in pain and heard someone call me an asshole and though I couldn’t see her very clearly, I knew the voice of my favorite smart-ass former co-worker! Thanks for stopping by this morning -I was definitely in less pain!
Got a couple days of resting to look forward to, so throw me your Netflix/Hulu/Prime faves I can binge. I’ll just be waiting on pathology hopefully showing all clear margins! Thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers!
Will update later this week!
Gotta go show Brian how to strip and dump my drain!
-K
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Chemo #4-and ALL DONE!
I just realized I hadn’t updated my blog since I was in the hospital. Sorry-with the holidays and feeling crummy 23 out of 24 hours every day and my ‘chemo brain’ (believe me-it’s real!!) I feel like I haven’t had time to do anything.
So, here’s the highlights:
In case you hadn’t heard, drumroll please.....
NO METASTATIC DISEASE!!!
My hard fought for PET Scan showed that the areas in question on my back and pelvis were in fact not cancer spread but could be areas of old injury or arthritis.
BEST NEWS EVER! It was all I needed for Christmas, New Years and all my future birthdays!
And let me tell you, when you start thinking about having Stage 4 cancer and a lesion in your back, your thoughts of future birthdays changes dramatically. The median survival rate for stage 4 breast cancer is 55 months.
Yep, take that in....roughly 5 years.
My oldest would just likely be getting or recently married, maybe even starting a family.
My middle son...wait, who knows where he’ll be in life, but anywho...
And the youngest? Yes, still at home and completely dependent on me. And now my husband. Alone.
And my husband. Well, we know he’d never survive without me. ;)
All the things I would miss was really beginning to take a toll on my emotional health. I was sad, and angry and anxious and mad all at the same time. I started planning the remainder of my life in blocks of a few months at a time. And that was all dependent on actually feeling well enough to enjoy any of it.
I can honestly tell you that if we had found out it was metastatic disease, Brian was going to retire as soon as he could and we were taking off to cram all the things I ‘needed’ to do in five years.
And of course I began to realize that no matter how well I planned any of it, 55 months was simply not long enough to accomplish whatever it is I was put here for -still figuring THAT out BTW....
And I was mad. Angry. And if I talked about it I teared up. And how do you tell your kids that?
You don’t.
You put a smile on your face and deal.
You nod and smile and tell everyone you feel fine when you’re barely hanging on and want to scream at the sky.
You put makeup on when you go out to hide the eyelashes and eyebrows you’re losing and the toll the chemo is taking on your skin.
You try to keep everyone else around you from falling apart when you’re the one in pieces on the inside.
You pray and pray and pray some more and reaffirm your relationship with God.
You start repeating your go-to mantra
“It is what it is.”
“I can do this.”
No, I HAVE to do this.
And it’s exhausting.
My time sleeping and in bed was increasing. Because if I was asleep at least my brain was resting from the constant noise inside it.
So that should tell you how relieved I was to get that good news. I mean, the noise in my head is still there and the thought of this coming back a third time still haunts me, but I can at least put that on hold right now and fight the battle in front of me.
Speaking of...
I’m at my last chemo right now!!
Woo-hoo! We did cut my dose down 25% to hopefully keep the bad side effects at bay. After my third dose I was terribly sick again with fatigue and nausea and shortness of air and fevers and all that crap that I barely avoided another hospitalization. Though I did end up with a CT to rule out a pulmonary embolism. Thank goodness that was negative!
With the good news of no mets, I was able to meet with my amazing surgeon and set a surgery date!!
February 4th is the big date to get this shitty tumor out of my body!! We did find out that the chemo has shrunk this thing drastically-so Dr Wagner will be taking part of my pec muscle out with the tumor and any axillary lymph nodes that are still there. If there are any lymph nodes I will end up with a drain after surgery and if not-no drain. I’m good either way-I just want anything in there that could come back to haunt me to be gone this time for good!
More good news-my implant gets to stay for radiation after my surgery!! Then, if it changes shape from the surgery and radiation, or I’m just not happy with them they can be traded out in the near future too! Insurance is gonna love me this new year....
We are heading to St Charles this weekend for a belated Christmas celebration and just fun family get together with Brian’s family that we are all looking forward too!
Hailey is in Chicago with Logan having a blast. Parker has been extremely helpful at home with the bald kid and me.
And the bald kid has been healthy! He was fighting a nasty cough and some congestion he just couldn’t get rid of, but we got him all squared away with his inhalers and essential oils and some immune stick we use on his chest. Keeping him out of the hospital was my goal while I was on treatment and we have succeeded! Though on a funny note, I’ve completely failed in my other aspect of parenthood as Ethan’s first day back to school was today.
Or supposed to be.
Guess who didn’t know and therefore didn’t get the bald kid up until 10am??? Yep, mom fail. Oh well...
Sorry for the long update. Promise to post more in the new year. We had a fabulously low key holiday complete with some awesome food, the hilarious great big ball of glory game, a game of Left/Right/Center that my starving college student nephew won, and a completely hysterical and inappropriate game of Cards Against Humanity with my Mom, kids and my 14 year old nephew!!!
Thank you again to everyone who helped out and showed up for the Head shaving event. It was wildly successful and help put my worried mind at ease.
I truly have the best tribe in my corner and couldn’t do this without you.
From the gifts to the donations and the PTO donations-its all so supremely humbling. We will definitely be paying forward all this kindness shown to us.
My best to you and yours in the upcoming year. Make the most of it. I learned this year-late in the year but never too late in life to make each day count. Because believe me when I say how quickly your life plans can be altered in an instant and you don’t want to have any regrets!
My main New Years Resolution is to beat this cancer AGAIN!
Got lots more I’ll share with you soon!
Love, hugs and prayers,
K
So, here’s the highlights:
In case you hadn’t heard, drumroll please.....
NO METASTATIC DISEASE!!!
My hard fought for PET Scan showed that the areas in question on my back and pelvis were in fact not cancer spread but could be areas of old injury or arthritis.
BEST NEWS EVER! It was all I needed for Christmas, New Years and all my future birthdays!
And let me tell you, when you start thinking about having Stage 4 cancer and a lesion in your back, your thoughts of future birthdays changes dramatically. The median survival rate for stage 4 breast cancer is 55 months.
Yep, take that in....roughly 5 years.
My oldest would just likely be getting or recently married, maybe even starting a family.
My middle son...wait, who knows where he’ll be in life, but anywho...
And the youngest? Yes, still at home and completely dependent on me. And now my husband. Alone.
And my husband. Well, we know he’d never survive without me. ;)
All the things I would miss was really beginning to take a toll on my emotional health. I was sad, and angry and anxious and mad all at the same time. I started planning the remainder of my life in blocks of a few months at a time. And that was all dependent on actually feeling well enough to enjoy any of it.
I can honestly tell you that if we had found out it was metastatic disease, Brian was going to retire as soon as he could and we were taking off to cram all the things I ‘needed’ to do in five years.
And of course I began to realize that no matter how well I planned any of it, 55 months was simply not long enough to accomplish whatever it is I was put here for -still figuring THAT out BTW....
And I was mad. Angry. And if I talked about it I teared up. And how do you tell your kids that?
You don’t.
You put a smile on your face and deal.
You nod and smile and tell everyone you feel fine when you’re barely hanging on and want to scream at the sky.
You put makeup on when you go out to hide the eyelashes and eyebrows you’re losing and the toll the chemo is taking on your skin.
You try to keep everyone else around you from falling apart when you’re the one in pieces on the inside.
You pray and pray and pray some more and reaffirm your relationship with God.
You start repeating your go-to mantra
“It is what it is.”
“I can do this.”
No, I HAVE to do this.
And it’s exhausting.
My time sleeping and in bed was increasing. Because if I was asleep at least my brain was resting from the constant noise inside it.
So that should tell you how relieved I was to get that good news. I mean, the noise in my head is still there and the thought of this coming back a third time still haunts me, but I can at least put that on hold right now and fight the battle in front of me.
Speaking of...
I’m at my last chemo right now!!
Woo-hoo! We did cut my dose down 25% to hopefully keep the bad side effects at bay. After my third dose I was terribly sick again with fatigue and nausea and shortness of air and fevers and all that crap that I barely avoided another hospitalization. Though I did end up with a CT to rule out a pulmonary embolism. Thank goodness that was negative!
With the good news of no mets, I was able to meet with my amazing surgeon and set a surgery date!!
February 4th is the big date to get this shitty tumor out of my body!! We did find out that the chemo has shrunk this thing drastically-so Dr Wagner will be taking part of my pec muscle out with the tumor and any axillary lymph nodes that are still there. If there are any lymph nodes I will end up with a drain after surgery and if not-no drain. I’m good either way-I just want anything in there that could come back to haunt me to be gone this time for good!
More good news-my implant gets to stay for radiation after my surgery!! Then, if it changes shape from the surgery and radiation, or I’m just not happy with them they can be traded out in the near future too! Insurance is gonna love me this new year....
We are heading to St Charles this weekend for a belated Christmas celebration and just fun family get together with Brian’s family that we are all looking forward too!
Hailey is in Chicago with Logan having a blast. Parker has been extremely helpful at home with the bald kid and me.
And the bald kid has been healthy! He was fighting a nasty cough and some congestion he just couldn’t get rid of, but we got him all squared away with his inhalers and essential oils and some immune stick we use on his chest. Keeping him out of the hospital was my goal while I was on treatment and we have succeeded! Though on a funny note, I’ve completely failed in my other aspect of parenthood as Ethan’s first day back to school was today.
Or supposed to be.
Guess who didn’t know and therefore didn’t get the bald kid up until 10am??? Yep, mom fail. Oh well...
Sorry for the long update. Promise to post more in the new year. We had a fabulously low key holiday complete with some awesome food, the hilarious great big ball of glory game, a game of Left/Right/Center that my starving college student nephew won, and a completely hysterical and inappropriate game of Cards Against Humanity with my Mom, kids and my 14 year old nephew!!!
Thank you again to everyone who helped out and showed up for the Head shaving event. It was wildly successful and help put my worried mind at ease.
I truly have the best tribe in my corner and couldn’t do this without you.
From the gifts to the donations and the PTO donations-its all so supremely humbling. We will definitely be paying forward all this kindness shown to us.
My best to you and yours in the upcoming year. Make the most of it. I learned this year-late in the year but never too late in life to make each day count. Because believe me when I say how quickly your life plans can be altered in an instant and you don’t want to have any regrets!
My main New Years Resolution is to beat this cancer AGAIN!
Got lots more I’ll share with you soon!
Love, hugs and prayers,
K
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