Struggling

I'm at a funky place in my life and in my mind right now. 

Actually, I feel like I have been for a while. 

Like, months worth of a while.  

I can't put my finger on it, can't describe it in easy to understand words, can't quantify it or compare it to any other 'place' I've been in my life. 

I'm not unhappy. 

I'm not angry. 

Im not sad. 

I'm struggling. 

I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be at 43 years of age. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything; I have a wonderful husband, great kids, a job, a house and car. Food and money to provide for my family. But it just feels like it's not enough. 

And I don't mean financially or tangibly.  And I feel like writing that makes me sound ungrateful for the life I have. 

I sometimes find myself looking at people, people I know well and feeling like I don't really know them that well at all. And in turn, they don't know me. 

I'm quite vocal with my feelings usually, and most people don't have to question where they stand with me. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that hasn't always served me well in life. People don't really want honesty. They don't want problems and issues pointed out. They don't want solutions. They want to wallow in dead-end jobs or self-pity.   And I'm happy to freely offer advice, usually solicited, with no intentions of hurting someone's feelings. But I'm becoming aware that even though someone may ask, they don't really want the truth.  And in the end, I'm the bitch. I do end up hurting someone's feelings. 

But I don't get to have feelings. And they sure don't get to be hurt. And if they are, I don't get to make a big deal out of it or I'm the bad person. 

I guess my biggest dilemma is I feel like I'm a crossroads in my life where I have to decide if I want to become the 'yes' girl. 

The 'keep my mouth shut and nod and smile' girl. 

The 'ignore what's right' girl. 

The 'don't rock the boat' girl. 

And stop 'standing on my principle' kind of girl. 

Most of you reading this, and know me even slightly, know that is really hard for me to do. But I've found myself doing some of these things lately. And I feel like I've shortchanged myself for doing so. 

And in doing this, I've conformed to what someone else; society, people, co-workers, family and friends, think I should be/do/say. 

That is what I'm struggling with. 

Do I nod and smile and be who someone else thinks I should be so as not to rock the boat? 

Or do I call out the bullshit and be that girl again?

Do I sacrifice who I am?  

Do I apologize for being good at my job, better than some even?

Do I apologize for being smart?  Witty? Funny? A bitch? 

Hmmmm. Hard call. Easy for some. Not for me. 

So, in reality, I guess I am unhappy, angry and sad in a way. 

I carry tons of guilt with me already. Shit, I was raised Catholic. We've been served up guilt on a communion wafer since 3rd grade. 

I'm a mother. A working, tired, sometimes lazy; feed my kids out so I don't have to cook, throw dirty shirt in the dryer with a scented fabric sheet to freshen it up because I didn't make it to that load of laundry yet, kind of guilt Mother. 

I'm a wife. A don't pay enough attention to, compliment enough, yell at when I'm mad and take stuff out on a doting husband kind of wife. 

I'm a special-needs Mom. Ahhh, I can't even begin to describe the guilt. Do I pay enough attention to my other kids, husband, extended family and friends guilt.  The self-pity for the tough days guilt. The jealousy watching other 10 year olds do the things my son never will guilt. And the wishing things were different guilt. 

I'm a survivor. Fuck. Need I say more?  Happy not to still be sick guilt. That's a doozy. 

But I guess I'm ok with all that guilt. I kind of feel like most everyone reading this can associate with at least one of those types of guilt. And you're probably nodding right now. 

So I really can't figure out why I am feeling guilt over being me. 

That's what I'm struggling with. 

Is it because I'm afraid people don't really know the real me?  

And if they did, would they like me? 

Or is it because I'm not sure I really care? 

And that's where I feel like I need to do something with my life. 

Make a difference. 

Count. 

Do other people feel this way?

Am I having a crazy, mid-life, freak-out kind of moment?  

A need to make my mark on the world moment?

An I haven't lived up to my potential kind of moment?

Cause most days, it's a crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head, ignore the world kind of moment. 

And I'm struggling with being able to conquer that.