One Year Ago....

12 months
2 surgeries
3 procedures
8 chemotherapy treatments
Countless shots, needle sticks, pills and doctors appointments.

And where am I a year later?
I'm here.
Sitting in my living room.
With my husband and my kids.
I'm alive.
I'm cancer free.
And I'm thankful for all this last year brought me.

Some days were harder than others. Some still are. And some still will be.
But with each new day I know I am a fighter.

I am stronger.

I am a survivor.

Funny hair story; many of you have seen my hair as it's growing back and that it is crazy curly and totally mousy gray. I've been using some of my mad closet hairstylist skills and coloring it. I just have to use the root touch-up stuff cause my hair is only about an inch long. So, I come home from work one morning with the intention of putting the color on, wait 15 min, rinse, go to bed. Well, I popped an Ambien, which I sometimes use to help me sleep, and know that I have about 30 minutes before it kicks in and causes me to act like the equivalent of a staggering drunk. Well....I got a little sidetracked reading mail, messing with the dogs, making Parker breakfast, and getting Ethan dressed, that by the time I got in the bathroom and got all the color on my hair, I was literally a staggering, stuttering, slurring drunk. There was no way I could stay up 15 more minutes to wait to rinse the color out. So I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around my head and went to bed. I awoke 4 hours later hearing my husband in the shower, and couldn't figure out why the blankets were over my head and I couldn't see. Ummm, not blankets, the towel was all discombobulated around my head! I flew out of bed and into the bathroom fully expecting that if I had any hair left on my head, it was now going to be completely fried, and probably yellow. Thank goodness it wasn't, just a way lighter shade of reddish brown than I had expected! Lesson learned-the Ambien bottle should read "this drug may impair the ability to drive, operate machinery, AND color hair properly"

I've been sporting some cute new headbands to help keep the curly under control, and I was thinking I may have gone a bit far the other day until a little 9 year old girl told me she loved my sparkly headband.
40 year old women can still rock a sparkly headband, yes we can.
Ok, 41.
Ok, ok, just shy of 42.

Lance, Manti, Taylor, oh, my!

I wrote this post last week, but just realized I never published it.
So, just my thoughts on some of the latest "celebrity" news.

Lance, oh, Lance. Where do I start? We drank your kool-aid for sure. And based on your snarky, arrogant attitude in your Oprah interview-you still kind of expect Americans to keep guzzling. You were the golden boy; nice looking, amazing athlete that beat cancer to win 7 Tours. I guess money really can buy anything. Almost.
...Everybody was doing it.... Ahem. Did your Momma teach you nothing of following a crowd? Good thing they didn't cycle right off a cliff now, huh?

... I only used EPO, testosterone and blood transfusions... I read something every single day about how sugar, caffeine, processed foods etc can cause cancer. Ya think maybe that crap had anything to do with yours?

Yes, Lance Armstrong did a lot for cancer research. No one can take that away for him. But was it his way of justifying what he knew was wrong? His way to ease his conscience? Like a former boss once said to me- "Kari, how hard you work, and how well you do your job does not justify being tardy every day". ( yes, I used to have a tardy problem, imagine that!) yep, late is late. Wrong is wrong now matter how you slice it, or inject it. (BTW, Dad, I've corrected that problem)

.....I can somewhat justify doing the testosterone because of my cancer.... Sure, I smoke crack, but hey, I had breast cancer.

I guess what bothered me the most was when Oprah asked him about what his most humbling moment was when the news began to break. He began talking about how he felt when Nike called and dumped him. And Trek. And all the other multi-million dollar endorsements that told him to take a hike. Or a ride. Elsewhere. But when the Livestrong foundation asked him to step down was the most humbling. Seriously? Not when the news broke and you had to look in your children's eyes who now know you are a liar? That wasn't the most humbling? I guess we all have different priorities.

Some of you will feel I am being too harsh and judgmental. We wanted to believe he beat all odds and did something NO ONE ELSE could do. Not once, but 7 times. Hmmm, again, a lesson from the parental units, if it sounds and looks too good to be true, it probably is.

Then again, we all believed that maybe two huge media machines such as ESPN and SI might have actually verified Manti Te'o's heartbreaking story of love and loss.
Two words: Fact. Check.
Oh, and a third-Heisman. So sad, even the story didn't boost you to a win. The trophy or the national championship.

Are we teaching our kids to win at all costs? That's what I think Americans really need to think about in regards to these two athletes. No doubt, lots of God-given talent and determination. But where did the drive to succeed override their moral compass? Or do they just think we are stupid? Cause a turd covered in chocolate, is well, still a turd.

I'm sure by now you are wondering how Taylor Swift fits into this equation of doping and lying. Well, I happened across an article about how Taylor might have eyes for Michael J Fox's son, and he responded to the story asking if she was the one who wrote songs about her ex-boyfriends, and once confirmed, stated she needed to stay away from his son. And as I read some of the comments from the general public about Ms Swift, I was kind of appalled. They all but called her a whore, said she was the problem her relationships don't work out.
Hello? Anyone heard of Jennifer Aniston??

Well, Mr Fox would you rather he hook up with the likes of say, Lindsay Lohan? One of the Kardashian disasters? Miley Cyrus? Crazy Britney?
I have yet to see any box-baring, vehicle exiting photos of Taylor Swift.
Any pot smoking, falling down drunk videos of her.
Any sex tapes of her and said suitors released.
Did she force all those guys to date her?
She is only 22 years old. If she ran off and married one of these douche bags, there would be Vegas odds on how long it would last. Say, 72 days?
Isn't this the stuff you are supposed to do when you are 22? I guess in Hollywood though, her life is half over. Don't grow up too fast sweet girl. It's not all its chalked up to be.

So she writes cheesy love songs when there's a break up. I have yet to hear anyone's name be specifically mentioned in any of those songs, and believe me, I've heard them all. A few thousand times. And she's made a fortune doing so. What's she doing wrong again? Please, fill me in. Cause if I could write and sing like her, I have a few choice words for some imbeciles I wouldn't mind making a few million off of. I'm guessing if those guys are feeling singled out and can relate to some lyrics in a song, can we say guilty conscience? I sure know I would have liked to have her songs to relate to when I was 17 years old and thought I was in love and then he drove back from college without telling me so he could take that whore out. Oh, wait, never mind.

And I would sure rather have my little girl admire the tall blonde who writes all her own music, can play multiple musical instruments, doesn't say a single cuss word or refer to drugs in her lyrics than the girl who gets Botox on her reality show.

Besides that, the bald kid loves him some Taylor Swift. And that's good enough for me.

So, if by chance you need a date to the Grammy's Ms Swift, the bald kid looks smashing in a tux. And this Momma would be happy to let him go with you!

No more mangoes!

I have become far more educated in allergy 'hypersensitivity' and 'oral allergy syndrome' and just how closely related the mango fruit is to cashew nuts than I ever cared to last weekend. And I learned pretty quick thanks to the bald kid's anaphylactic reaction to a tiny jar of mango baby food.

I also learned at what point during an allergic reaction to use Ethan's Epi-pen. Well, it's sooner rather than later.

Long story short-I put said culprit in Ethan's feed about 9am.
Around noon Parker is holding Ethan and hollers at me that he just threw up. I check him out, and it's all mucous.
Clean bald kid up, sit him back with Parker.
Brian leaves for work around 12:25 and on his way out mentions to me Ethan looks like crap.
Parker hollers at me again-Ethan threw up again.
I hurry and dress thinking I'm about to take a puking kid to Urgent Care to find out he has the flu, strep or some other germ making its way around this time of year.
While packing a bag for the bald kid, Parker hollers for me to come look at E. Now.
He has clawed his button bloody, is scratching at his neck, which is now swollen and has hives on it the size of golf balls.
Freak out. Now.
Give Benadryl.
Find Epi-pen.
Did I mention his face is purple and lips are gray?
He is still breathing.
Mentally debate for 37 seconds to call 911 and wait for ambulance or pack him up and drive the 1.7 miles to Children's Urgent Care?
Grab and run.
Almost at Mercy and he begins to wheeze and suck air in his car seat.
As I'm yelling to him that it will all be ok, I'm also screaming some choice obscenities at the Sunday driver in front of me talking on her phone, looking at herself in the mirror and driving 12 mph in a 40 mph zone.
Not my finest moment.
Not my calmest either.

Cut to front of line at UC and show Ethan to Triage RN.
She calls back that a kiddo has to come back now.
Tech comes to get me and asks if we can weigh him first.
I suppress my urge to punch her. Probably only because I'm carrying Ethan and don't currently have a free hand with which to do so.

In treatment room with 3 nurses, 2 Resp Therapists, UC Dr and ER Fellow and once hooked up to a monitor and see his sats are 72 and his heart rate is 44, hives are covering his face, neck, chest, groin, head, eyelids, and out comes the order for the Epi-pen.
A plunge into his thigh, scream, cry and hold for 10 seconds, during which time I'm not sure anyone in that room took a breath.
Bring on the oxygen, steroid and Zantac. Oh, and get another Epi-pen ready. Just in case.

Fortunately in the 5 hours we got to be observed, he did not relapse. Which can sometimes happen with an anaphylactic reaction when the Epi wears off.
I also learned that the mango plant is botanically similar to poison ivy, and pollen producing plants. Thus if you have a pollen/ragweed allergy, there is a huge list of fruits and veggies you could also be allergic to. Since we already know he is allergic to bananas, he probably has a significant ragweed allergy, thus the reaction from the mango. Oh, and if you are nut allergic-like E is to peanut, cashew, etc., Nuts have a huge cross-reacting tendency with pollen allergies.

Sorry I didn't get a great pic of the hives and fabulousness of his first ever Epi-pen incident.
I will try to be more calm next time and snap a decent pic.
Wait, there won't be a next time.
No more mangoes for Ethan.
Or bananas, or cherries, or oranges.......

The Best News Ever!

Waking me while I sleep during the day is like waking a sleeping bear, and can be detrimental to your life.   My hubby knows this well.   But being awakened, after only having been asleep for about an hour and half,  to get the news we got on Thursday was well worth the lost zzzzz's.  Who am I kidding, I was right back to sleep, only happier!

We received news Ethan has been approved for the Sarah Lopez Waiver.  The Lopez waiver is a Missouri program designed for children like Ethan with parents like us.  There are guidelines and criteria. An application process, and only 216 spots in the entire state of MO.  We began putting together the packet last November, met with the intake coordinator in April of last year and were told we would probably be on the waiting list for 2-5 years.  10 months is unheard of!!!

The waiver is for kids with a "permanent and total disability" who because of parental income levels are unable to qualify for any type of funding for the child's needs.  It is for families who want to continue to care for their special kids at home, with no intention of seeking institutionalized care, but need a little financial help.  I don't know all the exact details of the waiver, but this I know:

We, and Ethan will be re-evaluated annually for eligibility, and as long as we meet criteria, he can remain on the waiver until he is 18 years old.
This is why the wait to get on the waiver can be so long.

A portion of the funds MUST be used for respite care or nursing care.

A portion of the funds will cover equipment needs. 

Ethan's diapers and formula will be covered. Woo-hoo and snap clap!

We don't receive any funds, we pick up the supplies at a specific location, or they are shipped to our home.   Nursing care and respite care is paid through the waiver.

Ethan's private insurance coverage will remain in place, primary, and billed first.  Only after that will Medicaid consider charges.

With more surgeries for me this year,  having care for him while I'm at home recovering keeps Brian from having to use vacation and sick time.  Because although I'm home, I won't be able to pick him up, or put him on the bus, or even get him out of his bed.
Having his diapers and formula covered means we don't have to fret about how to feed or diaper him while I'm not receiving a paycheck.
Having respite care means we both can attend the other children's events Ethan would not enjoy or do well at, and the guilt as a parent of having to chose which to do.
As one other amazing special needs Mom wrote me- "it's life changing".

Caring for a special needs child, especially one with the level of care Ethan requires is a full time job in itself.  A job I love and cherish, but can be exhausting while also working a full time job.
 He will never,  and I mean NEVER be able to care for himself.
 He will wear a diaper forever.
He will more than likely never be able to obtain enough nutrition other than by tube feeding.  
We could lose him any time to a simple cold.
He will never walk, talk, play little league, go to college, marry or have children.
I don't tell you this for pity, that is the last thing we want people to feel for him.  I tell you this to give you some picture of what our daily lives are like with him.  Our schedules revolve around him and his needs. And many times the needs of our other children, and often ourselves come second. Not anything any parent wouldn't do, but ours will never grow up and lead his own life.

He and his needs are with Brian and I forever.  He is our very own little Peter Pan.
He does make us laugh, smile and see the world in a different light. Ethan sees no hatred or prejudice, and wants for nothing more than to be held and tickled and listen to Taylor Swift and hang out with his sissy and his Bo-Bo.  To roll around on the ground and watch his crazy dancing light up toys and chew on his fingers.

He really is simple. In a complicated little body.

We are thankful God gave us him.

And the Lopez Waiver will help make his life, and ours a little bit easier.

New Year, New Plans

2013 has started out pretty busy and hectic-so I decided to take 90 minutes to my self today and enjoy a much needed massage.  It was so nice and relaxing I'm sure I left a puddle of drool under the table.  I asked for 'firm' pressure, because while I was on chemo, I couldn't have it-and this girl knew what she was doing.  I'm only hoping I can avoid getting sick in the next couple of days.  It seemed over the last year after every massage, as all the toxins are leaving my body, I would get a little under the weather for some reason.  I really push the water, and have had NO SWEETS today at all-even when my husband tempted me with Haribo Gummy Bears.  Be strong. I told myself. and I was!

We are beginning a healthier regimen around the Rawley household this month-and this one's going to last.  I was shocked last weekend when I realized the little junk food I had bought for stocking stuffers and the soda we had in the house for holiday gatherings was all gone!  In 4 days time my kids ate 4 boxes of pop tarts, 18 choco-granola bars, a 3lb bag of gummy bears, a pack of twizzlers, and drank 14 sodas.  Seriously.  Parker is the bigger culprit, as I found most of the soda cans in his room.  So instead of locking up the food, now that it's all gone, it's not coming back in the house.  My last grocery trip brought home spinach, carrots, apples, celery, broccoli, cauliflower and NO SUGAR CEREAL.  I was being lazy-cause that's really the only reason-and buying the kids the big bags of Malt-o-Meal cereal because I wanted them to have breakfast food.  Well, that crap is not food, and my grocery bill is much cheaper when I don't buy it at all!  I made some spinach/egg cups the kids just have to microwave, organic oatmeal, and some pumpkin muffins-without the oil.   That's breakfast food.    We've eaten at home every night since New Years, and it's amazing how much healthier we eat when we take a few hours each week to plan out a menu and thaw out food.  And how much money we save.  New concept, I know, right?  Brian is making carnitas street tacos for dinner tomorrow night, and my mouth is watering just thinking about it!  I've pre-made a meatloaf for Wednesday, then it's chicken Thursday and guiltless burrito Friday.   I'm down 7 lbs since NYE, and plan to be down a lot more this year.  As long as my knee cooperates.

Brian is still working PM's at Shoal Creek, he likes it well enough, it is nice for him to come home for dinner during the evening.  Even with me working nights, we can still almost always eat dinner together.  He has been asked to take a couple of other positions within the PD at other stations, but can't be let go right now because of how short they are at his station.  It's frustrating, as this most recent one is #4 he's requested, and been turned down.  On a positive note, one reason his command staff isn't letting him go is because of how well he does his job, and they don't just want a 'warm body' to replace him.  It's nice to be needed.  Frustrating, but nice. 

Hailey's club VB season starts very soon, and her team is pretty awesome looking this year.  I really like her coach and her assistant coach has worked with Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor (of the US Olympic Women's Beach VB Team, yep!) and is really focusing on conditioning these girls.  One thing that lacked on her team last year.  The girls were pooped by bracket play and fell apart from fatigue.  That and healthy meals-some of the girls were popping 5 hour energy drinks at tourneys last year, and I don't go for that.  Brian and I are not energy drink people, and we definitely aren't going to let the kids be.  Protein shakes, yes, Red Bull, no.

Parker is, well, Parker.  We are having some struggles with him.  Though I'm hearing no different from any 13 year old boy.  Just very frustrating.  I am constantly having to ask him to do his homework, practice his saxophone, shower, brush his teeth, change his clothes, only to find out he hadn't been.  He's very withdrawn, and not extremely social, and that concerns us.  We can't seem to find that one thing that he loves, though not without lack of offering him sports and extracurricular activities, etc.  Brian is putting his new golf mat down in the basement this week on his days off and they are going to work on his swing and get him ready for spring.  He did tell me tonight he wants to go out for track this spring at school, and I'm really excited to hear him express interest in something! He said he's not going to try to run the fast races, but the distance ones-yeah!!   He asked if he could go to the gym with Brian and I this week and run on the treadmill-definitely buddy!  We will go tomorrow-  Another reason to make myself go do cardio! 

Ethan is doing well!  I say that very guarded, as I sure thought we were headed to the ER the Sunday before NYE.  He woke up coughing, with a fever, and was very lethargic all day.  I was sure he had aspirated some of his own drool, as the drooling is out of control.  We are weaning his Robinul-for drooling-and I'm not sure it's a good idea.  He loves to put his right hand, and I mean whole hand, in his mouth, and I swear he touches his tonsils.  With that comes all the drool.  We don't necessarily want to stop him from putting his hand in his mouth-as he's never been interested in doing that before, but he ends up a complete wet mess, and getting choked up on his own secretions.  Thanks to a nurse friend and a very nice produce guy-a peeled white onion in his room has kept all his symptoms from getting any worse-and he's even gotten better.  Crazy, I know, but with him we will try anything.  We are currently researching getting him some type of high chair, feeding chair for him this year while we still have a durable medical equipment budget allowance on our insurance.  His wheelchair doesn't come in the house, his stroller isn't tall enough for him to sit with us at the table, and I'm not sure we can find a typical high chair to fit him.  He's long and skinny, but really needs either a five-point harness, or a chair that slightly leans back as he still has issues with trunk control and can't really sit unassisted.  I'm afraid a little lap strap won't hold him.  Any suggestions from my toddler and special needs parents???  He's 38lbs and 3 1/2 feet long.

I have had to reschedule my expander reconstruction surgery that I had set for the 25th of this month.  I won't have enough FMLA time to be off the needed 3 weeks, and I can't afford to not be guaranteed my job when I come back.  It is now scheduled for April 12th, that will give me 2 weeks of last year's FMLA, and the 28th of April my new year, and new 12 weeks starts over.  Plus, it gives me time to save some paid time off!  I hated to have to do it, but it's ok.  I will live 3 more months without boobs, I've done it for 9 so far.  Kind of re-thinking the DIEP I posted about previously.  Just simply may not have enough time to take off for it, and if so, some nice, big, perky silicone implants will do just fine.  On this new time table, it puts me trading out expanders for implants anytime between October and December, depending on how well the fills go.  Looks like I'm in for at least 2 more surgeries this year. 
There are some other issues going on, nothing major, but hoping not to have to have a third surgery on the schedule this year.   It's looking like they may want to take out my remaining left ovary, there are arguments on both sides of this debate. 

Looking forward to donating some time to local charitable organizations this year, as we did less than we would have liked to last year.  Hailey and Parker want to go back to Harvester's, so we will be setting up a date for that and looking for other willing volunteers! 

Loving having the kids back in school and the holidays over-though not that it looks like Christmas is over at our house.  Guess I need to take down the deco this weekend-any volunteers????

I resolve this year to do quicker, less wordy updates more often. 
And figure out how to post pics from my ipad.
Promise.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

I've been behind getting my posts updated, so as I sit here for a few minutes before I get dressed to go to work on this Eve of the New Year, I thought I would throw together some photos from our holidays.
We celebrated Christmas Eve at our house this year with a Mexican Food Fiesta-complete with Aunt Kathy's bean recipe.  Missed not having my brothers here, hint hint.  Maybe next year we can all do Christmas together!
 I think the most entertaining event of the night was our annual kid competetion gift.  This year I wrapped up gift cards in two plastic bowls I taped closed with packing tape, then proceeded to cover it with layers and layers and layers and layers of packing paper and packing tape until the gift ball was a little bit bigger than the size of a basketball.  Then we give the kids oven mitts and one minute each to try and get the gift open.  They keep going until the winner is the one who finally figures out the trick to packing tape.  Let's just say it took a few turns, but Parker finally won.  But with much help from the girls who realized that brute force strength was not going to get it open, but to try and find the start and end of the packing tape and peel it away!  Unfortunately I didn't get any photos of it, because I was too busy laughing and videotaping it!

The Hailes, Gunthers and Rawleys Christmas 2012

One of Christmas tress

this is just the gifts from our exchange!

Me, Mom and Kim

Ethan's pile of gifts, and a dog butt

Frankie liked Ethan's dancing sock monkey

Parker loved his new docking station alarm clock

And all his new golf shirts

Haileys new Coach wristlet

And these strange leopard print Sperrys

Merry Christmas from the Rawley crew!

 

The kids were all very happy with their gifts this year, and very thankful and grateful.  I love all my new jewelry-thanks Anthony for hooking a hubby up-and my new Bose headphones so I can start rocking out while working out again!

 



We enjoyed our annual NYE lunch today at Fogo de Chao and this year took my nephew Taylor and my Dad.  It was fabulous as usual-and fun to watch the boys flip their cards over and watch a slew of gauchos show up with their specialities!

My daughter is in Wichita for a NYE Party, the boy is at his cousins-complete with a bottle of Sparkling Red Grape Juice and a mad game of Monopoly.  Brian, the bald kid and the dogs are chillin out watching DVR'd football games, and I'm getting ready to go to work.  So, if you're going out tonight-be safe, don't drink and drive, I would hate for you to cause an accident or get a DUI, but most of all, I would hate to see you on my CT table

.I can reflect on 2012 as a most interesting year for us to say the least. A lot happened, and we had lots of family and friends there to support us. We are looking to pay it forward in 2013. If we've realized one thing this year, it's how forunate we are, and even when things looked at their worst-our laughter and positive attitudes pulled us through.

 I'm as happy and content as I've ever been today and am hoping 2013 continues to bless us.



 

May the New Year bring you much health and happiness!

 

Love,

Brian, Kari

Hailey, Parker, Ethan

Harley, George and Frankie

Tears

As I logged in to type this post, the TV program Face The Nation just ran the photos along with names and ages of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting.  I have purposely stayed off the Internet and FB, and avoided the news this weekend, but in this last 30 seconds of silence I watched.  Out of respect for those innocent victims and their families, I watched and I wept.
From the safety of my bedroom, with my children snuggled in their beds, tears stream down my face and onto the computer.  The words on the screen are blurry from my tears. Now I offer a prayer for those grieving families for some strength, peace and comfort in the days to come.   And prayers of strength for all those exposed to the evil act that happened at that school;  the surviving staff and students, the First Responders-EMS and Police Officers, and the hospital staff who received victims unable to be saved.

Over the last couple of days as I have spoken with friends about this horrific tragedy, voices got quiet, eyes never met, and the conversations were short as heads were bowed and shook. Lumps formed in our throats and tears in our eyes.  As a mom, I don't want to think that this is possible in my children's schools.  But in fact, in reality, it could have happened anywhere.

Times have changed.  The days of tornado drills being ran monthly have given way to "active shooter" drills and "lockdown" drills in our schools.  I can't help but feel helpless to these changes.
As a parent, I want to protect my children, yet I want them to be very aware of the world we live in today.  Which leaves me with that helpless feeling. Worrying about strangers has given way to worrying about guns and drugs in schools.  
 I question how have we gone so wrong as a society?  Are we all so busy that we can't take the time to look out for one another?  Yes, is the answer.  And I am just as guilty as the next person.
Maybe if we all took a little time out of  our busy lives to notice a struggling, sad, disconnected peer, some of these young people wouldn't feel violence is the answer.

I will not debate gun control, mental health issues, God and prayer in school, or any other issues people want to blame this tragic event on.  I will tell you I intend to spend more time with my family getting back to the basics.  Stressing the importance of  treating people with kindness and fairness. Eating dinner together. Turning OFF the TV and the Playstation, the iPhones and the iPads.  I think we have forgotten the importance of time.  The time we give to our children, our spouses, our friends. Our precious time is whittled away from the everyday things like work, and before you know it, that time is gone.  Time is the best gift you can give, especially to your children.  And while those families no longer have time with their loved ones, I will not squander the opportunity I have with mine.  My responsibility as a parent is to grow and foster a contributing, caring, productive member of society, and I promise to spend more time doing just that.

As a police wife, my heart goes out tonight to law enforcement families. 4 LEO's have been killed in the line of duty this weekend.
In Memphis, TN a 9 yr veteran, mother of four, was shot and killed serving a narcotics search warrant on Friday.
In Washington County, Missouri a Sheriff's Deputy for only two months lost his life on Saturday.
And tonight, in Topeka, Kansas,  2 officers were fatally wounded.   At this time the suspect is still at large.
My husband celebrated his 44th birthday this weekend, and I thank God every day he walks through our front door after his shift protecting our city. But the fear is always there.  After 14 years together I never take for granted the time we have together, as each shift could be his last, but I have learned to accept what is, and law enforcement is what he loves and what he does.  

Lots of tears this weekend.  And lots of prayers.