I didn’t post during my radiation treatment mostly because it was exhausting and took everything in me to make it through 30 treatments plus work and have some semblance of a social life. Radiation therapy was the hardest thing I’ve done in this journey. And by hard I mean I could do chemo over again-not that I want to, but if I had to, I could. Surgery? Again, not by choice, but if I had to, yep, I could do that again. Probably because I’ve done both before, so I had the basics down as to what to expect. But Rad Therapy? Not. A. Clue.
Which sounds funny coming from me because I am a Rad Tech and went to Radiation Therapy school, ummmm 25 years ago....and as a 21 year old with little exposure to cancer other than my Grandmother, I had little personal knowledge of what I was doing to/for people.
I was extremely anxious when treatment started and all the way to the end. I mean all the way through treatment #30. There’s not a lot I get anxious about, and it was such a foreign emotion for me. And even though I could nod and smile and laugh and joke around and share stories with my Therapists and Dr and Nurses, my body couldn’t hide my anxiety. Every single Dr day my blood pressure was through the roof. Like 168/105 high. And my heart rate skyrocketed. And my palms were sweaty and my skin clammy and mouth dry. And I had to focus my mind and talk myself through each treatment.
I promised them it was just the treatment. And they got it. My amazing nurse Vickie said it’s not unusual as treatment comes to an end with each treatment counting down. But counting down to what? All of a sudden my cancer is gone? All cured? Because I followed the rules and did the chemo and the surgery and every single treatment and with each one somehow I was getting rid of all the cancer in my body? And I am just supposed to believe that because I did all of that it worked and I’m free and clear? That each time I climbed on that table and listened and held my breath and watched the linear accelerator move around me for 10 minutes every day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks that I’m actually all done with cancer? I suppose I could fixate on wondering if it all worked. OR, I could fixate on being done with treatment and doing all I could and all my amazing team did for me to get me to this point.
And revel in the fact that I did indeed, beat cancer. Again.
There’s no ‘3rd times a charm’ for me.
I needed the last week to rest from treatment and get out of the daily routine I was in fighting cancer. I’m sure it sounds unbelievable that I would feel lost without the treatment schedule I had been keeping. But for someone who’s been in my shoes, or as a caregiver of a loved one who passes away, you become what you do. And when what you do without a thought of how or why, you just do, it becomes who you are. It begins to define you. And when it’s gone or done, you feel a little lost, a little out of sorts. Like you’re not doing what you’re supposed to.
I became the breast cancer recurrence patient.
The one lymph node missed 7 years ago and her breast cancer came back person.
The girl with the hangnail while on chemo who needed 10 days of antibiotic treatment to keep from being hospitalized.
The chemo killed her white count and put her in the hospital girl.
The first time around crappy axillary lymph node dissection surgery patient.
The 1:45pm smart ass, funny story telling Radiation appointment.
The girl who annoyingly documented every single one of 30 Rad treatments with a funny photo just to get through them.
And I have to un-become that person.
There is life after cancer.
And life during cancer.
And life before cancer.
And life before the first time I had cancer.
And more than anything, I have to get back to just living life.
My best life.
So I’m calling today May One, Day One.
Day One of the rest of my life.
It sounds oddly cliche I know, but 7 months ago I wasn’t sure I would be traveling to Arkansas next week to watch my oldest graduate from college.
And I owe it to her, and my boys and my husband, and all my family and friends who were by my side and made sure I wanted for nothing these last 7 months. From a glass of water after my husband had just sat down or gotten in bed to my baby sister shaving her head and raising enough money to keep us from worrying financially to the meals friends brought us and the gifts people sent to the extra help at work from my co-workers picking up my slack, and the words of encouragement every single day. Because without all of you I wouldn’t have this Day One.
So I’m not taking anymore days for granted.
You are probably wondering ‘what next?’
Well, I’ll see my Oncologist every three months forever or until she’s tired of me. And along those lines we’ll order some imaging to ensure this doesn’t sneak up on us again.
I’ll see my surgeon in October and my amazing lymphedema specialist Sabrina this summer and again in October and deal with any issues that come up from having had a total of 27 lymph nodes taken out.
Other than that, my ‘what next’ involves having to unload the dishwasher again cause apparently my cancer card no longer works at home.....
And I have a life to live.
I plan to make it the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment