i carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

Beautiful words by EE Cummings. 

And speaking of hearts....mine is all better.  I had AV Nodal Reentrant Tachycardia. Otherwise known as a really fast heart rate.  Think of the feeling you get during the long ride up the steep hill of a roller coaster. Click. Click. Click. The noise the chain makes as it pulls your little car up and up and up. Your hands are sweaty, you feel clammy. Then, the almost completely still millisecond pause of anticipation before careening down that hill leaving your stomach in your throat.  Only you aren't on a roller coaster. And it happens at the most inopportune moments. That's how I was beginning to feel. A lot. A lot more than I wanted to acknowledge because, let's face it, I simply don't have time for that shit. And did I mention I am not a fan of roller coasters?   And the medicine I was taking made me feel funky. Like in slow motion. Think Keanu Reeves in The Matrix scene where he bends all around the bullet and it's weird and jumpy around him. And I don't like to take medicine.  At least not the kind that makes me feel drunk and high and like I'm staggering. Don't get me wrong-I don't mind feeling drunk and high and staggering, just not at work. It was getting difficult to tell the difference between me and my patients. 

So I went for the quick and dirty, 95% fix rate of a cardiac ablation.  So into the cath lab, get the good drugs, get three catheters in my left groin, two in my right, some rapid rhythm induction, a little cauterizing and wham, bam, I'm awake in the CCDU with nothing more than an ugly bruise on my left thigh.  I have to say I was a little disappointed the CCDU did not have massages and Chinese take-out and a champagne fountain we all thought it did due to the super-strict, members-only guidelines it used to have for admission. 

For my non-NKCH folks the CCDU is our newest unit known as the Cardiac Clinical Decision Unit. And clearly they relented on their guidelines if they let me in there. 

They do have pretty nice rooms.  Would've really loved some Chinese food though. 

Anywho-all good and back to work on Saturday. 

i am never without it (anywhere i go, you go, my dear  

And today my heart is with all our Rare friends on Rare Disease Day.   

A rare disease is classified as a 'disease or disorder affecting less than 200,000 Americans at any one time.'

Ethan's chromosomal anomaly 18q- occurs in 1 in 40,000 births and with only about 1000 people affected worldwide, it definitely puts the bald kid in that category. 

Most rare diseases are thought to be from faulty genes. So thanks to our bad genes-we have been blessed with the most wonderful, amazing little guy. And with his funky genes we were thrust into a world where we have been even more blessed to get to know some other pretty amazing and rare kiddos and their families. 

So I wear my 'jeans for genes' today because I ❤️ someone rare.  

Ethan, we love you and wouldn't trade you for any fancy schmancy designer genes in the world. 

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, you sweet) 

i want no world (for you are my world, my true)

and it's you for whatever a moon has always meant 

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

 (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Check out the global genes project. 

Happy February 14!

Of course it's Valentine's Day, and everyone is getting huge, expensive flower arrangements from their  significant others professing their love is greater on this day more than any other.  Sometimes though I think it's just so your wife, girlfriends, partner, sig other, etc.,  gets bragging rights to what an awesome love they have.  Brian and I are not "flowers on Valentine's Day" kind of people. I'm not sure I have ever gotten flowers from him on any Valentine's Day.  And I'm ok with that.   Usually I get a really nice handwritten note from him, of which I've saved every one. Notes don't wilt and die, or get eaten like that big box of chocolates will. 

But I have really enjoyed seeing all the super creative Valentine boxes on FB-you can tell last week all the kids were out of school and parents needed something to do to keep them entertained!  

And I had a blast making the bald kid's minion valentines. 

And I got my valentine present earlier this week anyway.....

Yep, the big ole Suburban went bye-bye.  Last week the interior electronics all went out and only a potion of it was covered under warranty because we bought it used. Then we found out it may have been in a wreck that was never claimed because our one year old tires had worn funky on one side, and the only explanation was that the frame is bent somehow.  Could be why the alignment never held very long?!?!   I had a Honda Odyssey mini-van before and I loved it. I just didn't want to be the 'mini-van mom' since my kids were getting older, but alas, I will always have one little one with me, so mini-van it is!  Besides, this thing rocks!  It has a back up camera that has three different views, and something Kim Gunther needs; a camera on the right passenger mirror, so when turning the right blinker on, it shows everything in your right side blind spot!!  Oh, and it also has lane drift warning, so if I start to drift into another lane and I'm not signaling with the intent to get over, it will flash and beep an alarm at me. 

Thank you honey!  

Looking for a Honda?  Head to Tiffany Springs Honda and ask for Mr Bill Robinson-the nicest man ever!  Brian went to college with the dealership owner Bobby and his wife, and he hooked us up with Mr Bill.   A very painless car buying experience!  Did I mention we got Hailey a new civic too?  Happy Valentine's Day to her too!  And Easter, and birthday and Christmas and  graduation, and etc, etc. 

February 14th also marks the end of Congenital Heart Defects Awareness week. 

  

1 in 100 kids will be born with a CHD, and our little bald guy was one of them. This journey has been tough, sad, happy, joyous, scary and rewarding all wrapped up into one.  We have seen other heart warriors lose their battle, and know too many parents who no longer have their hero on this earth with them.  We wake each day knowing it could be our last with Ethan, and are so thankful for the medical advancements that have allowed us to keep him here with us as long as we have.  Last year alone, the miracle of Boston Children's Hospital Heart Center being able to get a new valve in him without using bypass and an open heart is because of the advancements in the field of CHD's.  I only wish there was a fix for all our babies broken hearts and no parents or siblings or grandparents ever had to say goodbye to their heart warrior.  Through continued awareness this is possible! 

In honor of all our heart super heroes!

And my fellow super heart mom friends!

And finally, February 14 is my Cancerversary!  

Yep, 2 years ago it was confirmed I would be fighting breast cancer.  And though my fight will never truly be over, I am a survivor!  I am forever grateful for my family and friends and the kindness of complete strangers who helped me through my journey.  

40,000 women will die from Breast Cancer this year and every year-with awareness we can change that number.  Don't ignore symptoms, get your mammograms and encourage your loved ones to do the same.  My routine, screening mammogram saved my life!  

In honor of my Grandma Flora-I will never quit!

And the cool tattoo I'm thinking about once I'm all done with reconstruction-only pink ribbons where the red stars are. 

From flowers and chocolate hearts to real hearts and boobs, 

February 14 is a pretty special day.  

I guess I am a 'flowers on Valentine's Day' kinda girl after all; as soon as I finished this post I walked into the kitchen and saw this gorgeous potted flower from my amazing kiddos!   

And all I have to do is put 6 ice cubes in the dirt once a week to keep this beautiful flower alive!! 

Snow day FREE time

With the last two snow days thanks to Mother Nature, I've had lots of free time. 

A lot of it was spent snuggling with the teens and the bald kid watching marathons of Modern Family, Dexter, NCIS, Law & Order while munching away on Fritos and bean dip, Funyuns, gummy bears and sipping my all time fave drink Coca-Cola.  And I love me some Coke.  

Speaking of Coca-Cola......

We rarely had soda in my house as a child, but I clearly remember those commercials. 

"I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony."

"I'd like to buy the world a Coke, and keep it company"

And the camera panned from one person to another, of different races, ethnicities and all holding that glass Coke bottle with the wording in foreign languages. 

Hmmmm....that commercial was from 1971. The year I was born. 

As I mentioned, my snow days have allowed me some free time, time to do some FB quizzes to figure out which 80's female singer I am (Alanis Morisette), my IQ (140),  where I should be living (Portland).  

I also had time to take advantage of letting FB make my 62 second video of my most popular posts and photos-I was pretty impressed with that one-and read many people's responses to Coke's latest commercial aired during the Super Bowl. 

Wow.  That one minute commercial really upset some peeps. 

 If you haven't seen the commercial-go to You Tube and watch it. 

The song "America The Beautiful" is being sang by a multitude of folks. Of different races and ethnicities and keeping with current times; sexual orientation.  Apparently the fact that some of the verses of this sing are sang in a foreign language has been very upsetting to some people.  Oh, that and the gay couple sharing a Coke and a happy moment with each other and their child. 

Now, for what it's worth, here's my two cents on all this hoopla. 

I love the commercial. 

I loved it when I saw it. 

I love it even more now. 

It brought tears to my eyes. 

I think it is respectful and beautiful. 

The United States is the melting pot of people. Maybe being in the Midwest, most of us don't see that as clearly as our friends in larger cities on, say, the East Coast.  

But remember, we are ALL foreigners on this great land unless you are Native American Indian, of which I am a small percentage. I am also of English descent. Yep, England. The country across the big ocean from which our main language originated. 

People come to the United States for a better life. For themselves, for their families, for their children. For a chance to be educated, be free of religious and political persecution. And I'm pretty sure that not one of you reading my blog would rather live in a country with subpar healthcare and education. Where clean water isn't readily and freely pouring from a tap. Where your daughter would not be able to go to school and have the same advantages as your sons. Where your sons would be enlisted in the army as early as age 16. Where some people live without heating and air conditioning, electricity and the internet??

We have it pretty darn good here, and if it's what I want for my family, why is it wrong for another Mother or Father to want the same thing for their family?  

What's that old saying "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery"???

Some have said that American soldiers don't fight for this country to hear that song in a foreign language. And I adamantly disagree. I come from a long line of veterans; Grandfather, Father, 

2 brothers, sister, sister-In-law, nephew, cousin, great Uncle and probably more I don't even know about. Add to that many, many military friends. And I could safely bet that each and every one of them fights for this country for that very reason. 

They protect the freedom of each and every American to say, sing, read or preach whatever song, verse, bible, or prayer they want to without fear of being punished.  They don't just fight for the rights of the Anglo-white-Americans.  They are putting their lives on the line for all US Citizens-white, black, brown, yellow, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, gay, straight, bi, and transgender.   And I would venture to say with the state of our education system, many of those people bitching, and their children, don't even know all the words to that beautiful song in English, let alone another language. 

And about the unofficial anthem of the US....did you bigots out there know that it was penned by Katharine Lee Bates, a Wellesley college graduate and professor who, in the late 1800's/early 1900's, had a 25 year intimate relationship with a woman???  Yep, she was a lesbian. *gasp*.   So the people mad about the gay couple in the commercial whom they feel are tarnishing the premise behind that song-gotcha!!  Tell me again how gay marriage will be the downfall of society as you defend a poem written by a lesbian?  I'm happy to hear your arguments. 

Oh, and that song (originally written as a poem) was written after she took a wagon ride, mule ride and grueling hike up Pike's Peak to 14,000 feet and was in awe of the beauty she was witness to. 

Yep, beautiful Colorado. Childhood home of my mother. Home of some of my favorite people. And to this day, a place that will take your breath away with its beauty. If you've never visited, it needs to be on your bucket list. The inspiration behind our unofficial national anthem.  But I bet you've been to Branson. Or Las Vegas. 

I know this post will probably piss some of my readers off, and may even cause you to stop reading my blog. But you know what?  Because you are an American citizen, that's your right. And a right defended by a whole lot of people who may or may not agree with you. 

That's what I find beautiful about America. 

Irony? Or just our luck?

Funny, last night I post about February being a month of hearts; the chocolate kind and the broken kind. Aaaannnddd....today at work I end up in the ER because I started feeling lightheaded, diaphoretic, nauseated and my heart was racing so fast I couldn't count it myself.    Hooked up to a monitor I was tachycardiac at 212 bpm and as high as 232. 

Into the big trauma room I go.  IV started, blood pressure normal at 139/89 but couldn't get a good EKG because I was shaking. Finally, third times's a charm,  EKG shows SVT or supra ventricular tachycardia. Fix?  Ativan, Zofran, fluids and Adenosine.  Dr Maz tried a couple of non-pharmalogical interventions while Christy and Sheila-awesome RNs-were getting me ready if they didn't work. 

A little carotid massage and bearing down did bring my rate down to 140's, but not good enough. 

Out with the good stuff.  The Adenosine is administered by IV in a rapid push, and when it hits you, you feel it!  It takes your breath away and kind of 'resets' the SVT arrhythmia that was going on. I closed my eyes and tried to relax and take in a deep breath-and weirdly enough, with my eyes closed, everything inside my head was a red color.  Once the initial shock passed, and I no longer felt like my stomach was in my throat, I felt much better. My heart rate came down to low 100's, so Maz gave me a small dose of a beta blocker, then another small dose to help keep it down. It was in the high 80's, low 90's when I started feeling normal again. 

Talked to Dr Gimple, the cardiologist, and he feels with my family history of electrical heart issues; Ethan born with WPW-Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome and my younger sister Kate diagnosed with WPW in her late 20's, that my issues are simply 'in my genetics'.   And since this is the third incident of tachycardia with me in the last 3 years, we clearly need to do some further testing.  I also need to see an EP guy that specializes in the electrical workings of the heart.  

So, for today I will be resting on the couch watching some football, wearing my 24 hour holter monitor. Dr Gimple started me on a calcium channel blocker called Cardizem and once I turn in the holter tomorrow, I will make a follow up to see him or Dr Rigden later this week. 

                                            

Look familiar???

And, once again, how is it possible all this crazy shit happens to our family???

Hmmm, my husband is ready to put me out to pasture at this point. 

Heart disease is nothing to mess around with, not just in our little warriors, but adults too. 

Isn't it ironic??  

But if cancer didn't kill me, I'm not gonna let this either!  

I feel pretty, oh, so pretty.

This will probably sound like a very shallow post, but I'm just gonna go with it-

I got the most awesome haircut and color last week!  I am absolutely in love with it! 

If you are wondering why I am blogging about my hair, it's because I haven't had hair I have loved for over a year.  And those of you who know me well, know how I feel about my hair. 

This picture was taken exactly a year ago-Jan 30, 2103 with my work friend Connie

This is this week:  yes-my hair grew that fast!!

  

                             

                      

I know that nobody wants to see pictures of my hair, but getting to this point, all my hair back, is a milestone for me.  One I'm very proud of.   

And yes, note the cleavage in the second picture...again, proud. 

Dear cousin, Anthony, hair stylist extraordinaire, I tried to wait until I saw you to have this done, but being that we haven't been able to work out our weekend in the Motel 6 in Hays, Kansas, and the fact that there would be waaaay to much drinking involved to even consider letting you come near my hair with scissors and color, I went with my local hair magician, Vanessa at Fringe Salon.  She is fun and beautiful and I couldn't be happier!  I've even stopped doing my own haircuts and cheapo, OTC gray coverage!  You would be proud!  

Thank you Vanesssa, for making me feel pretty again!  

Happy New Year!

2014 begins with most of our household under the weather-except for the bald kid!  So far anyway. 

2013 was an interesting year to say the least. Not our best, but we got through it. We began the year with renewed hope. I celebrated my Cancerversary in February with no evidence of recurrence and began my reconstruction process in April.  But to our utter disappointment, Ethan went into severe heart failure in May. We then began what became our four month journey of ups and downs with him. It doesn't sound like very long; four months. A third of a year. But when you are wondering every day if it's the last day you will hold him, rub his bald head or hear his silly squealing laugh, four months is a long time. 

My 'Mom determination' kicked in and with lots of research and advice from other Moms, and my smart friend, we got him to the best place possible and walked away with the best outcome. It's hard to believe we had our youngest son's funeral planned, but ended up bringing him home after only ten days. And with a beautiful new valve. He defied the odds, and of course, we owe a debt of gratitude to the physicians and staff at Boston Children's Heart Center.  And to our friends and family who helped get him there. 

We still hold our breath at each Cardiology follow up, and have had some minor setbacks, but all is well. So well in fact, that Ethan gained 6 pounds in 3 months!  And it's not fluid this time. The boy who hadnt gained one 'real' pound in 4 years because his heart was working so hard it was burning more calories than he could take in.  He's now sitting unassisted for longer periods of time, reaching for things he wants and has become so much more vocal and purposeful in his actions. Amazing things a 'fixed' heart can help one do. 

2013 made me the mother of two high schoolers!  Argh!  Parker's freshman year brought a football season that started out awesome, but was cut short due to a broken collar bone. Fortunately it healed well, and he avoided surgery. He's now all cleared for contact sports, will start track soon, and try to bulk up for football in the fall.  

Hailey is a junior this year, and between college prep classes and club volleyball, we are researching colleges.  Her future plans are Pharmacy and/or Nursing, and her requirement for college is 'at least three hours away'.  Until she has to do her own laundry and wants a home cooked meal that is....

Brian and I celebrated our 11th anniversary in June and I wouldn't trade a minute of it.  We bulit and moved into a new house that keeps me from having to climb stairs carrying the bald kid and worrying about my bum knee giving out midway down.  I changed positions at work to weekend days, from years of nights, and right before Christmas Brian got a days shift with the PD!!  

I have officially resigned from my volunteer position as President of KCPD Friends & Family, effective today. It's been a great opportunity to get to know other wives that completely understand the crazy life we lead. I have made some friendships I will cherish forever, and appreciate the support I have received over the last seven years. It has been an honor to serve and I hope I was able to make an impact in our blue community in some small way during those years.  Thank you all for the memories. 

Our family motto of 'paying it forward' will continue this year as we foster our relationships with other local volunteer organizations.  Giving of our time to help others will be a primary focus this year. 

I've grown a lot in this last year. It was our triple play of crappy years. 2011, 2012, 2013. I'm not sorry to see any of you go, but am pretty darn proud to say we made it through.  We've seen the good in people through all the support we've received, and we've seen the bad. Those who stood by us-we know who you are and are more grateful than I can put into words or ever re-pay. And those who judged us with snarky comments, judgemental of my children or my actions, feel free to come live my life.  We know who you are too, and we don't really care anymore. I'm betting you wouldn't have made it through one week, let alone the last three years we did. 

So 2014 is OUR year. I'm going to be the best version of me I can be; which means getting rid of the negative.  I've grown quite appreciative of the straightforward truth; whether being given to me, or from me. I've spent most of the last year with a smile on my face but an ache in my heart. I let people hurt me and hid it with a laugh or a joke.  Mostly because that's just who I am and how I'm built. I am strong, and allowing others to see my feelings have been hurt is a sign of weakness.  Or at least that's what I thought. If someone really cares about me, I should be able to show my weaknesses and vulnerability.  But I've taken the high road, been the bigger person, blah, blah, blah, cliche, cliche, cliche for far too long.  And it's no one's fault but my own. I own up to also having been a part of the snarky, judgemental behavior, and it will only end when I no longer participate.  

So this begins my year of change. It won't happen all  at once, and I will slip and fall and get off track. I will also only surround myself with those intent on helping me get back on track without judgement and holier-than-thou attitudes.  It should be an interesting journey, and if you care to join me, you are more than welcome.  But I am strong, a survivor and I can do it. I can be a better wife and mom. A better example to my children. A better friend, co-worker and employee.  We all can. 

The last year has taught me that life is short and there will always be storms to weather.  But it's not about who shows up with an umbrella in the middle of the storm it's about who is willing to wade with me through the deep puddles. 

Wishing you all a happy, healthy and storm-free 2014!!

W.I.N.

Three letters.

One very important concept. 

What's 

Important 

Now?

Think about that for a minute while I tell you about the class I had the privilege of attending last night. 

Two of KCPD's driving instructors offered to present the class 'Below 100' to our Friends & Family group. The class is a nationwide campaign to keep Line of Duty Deaths below 100 annually.  That has not been achieved since 1944.   

Ironically, an officer's worst enemy is not necessarily the bad guy anymore. 

It's complacency.  

Every day my husband walks out the door, I worry about some crazy with a gun or knife preventing him from walking back through it at the end of the night. When in fact, many line of duty deaths are preventable. And that his biggest enemy is speed and a pole or a tree. 

Not wearing a seat belt. 

I don't want to get tangled in my belt when I need to get out of my car in a hurry. 

Not wearing a vest. 

It's just an off-duty job.

Speeding.

I have to get there first. 

We saw some horrific pictures of police vehicle crashes where the occupants didn't survive. 

And were not wearing their seatbelts. 

Why were they speeding and not wearing their seatbelts?

Going to a school shooting? Stop an armed robber?  Capture a rapist?  A serial killer? A kidnapper?

Nope. 

One was late for work. 

One was going to catch a shoplifter. 

One was just a chronic speeder. 

All of them left behind families. 

A wife, children, parents.

Officers that had been shot, and fortunately survived, were asked at what point during that car stop/ped check/suspect interview did they reliaze they were going to be shot at. 

Answer?  After they'd been shot. 

It all happens so fast, in a matter of seconds. 

A lot of good your vest would do you if it was in the backseat/trunk/shelf at home. 

Even at an off-duty job. 

And aside from the risk to yourself if you are speeding, what about the innocent people you could injure. Or kill?  

Like the two sisters, ages 18 and 13, killed in Illinois by a state trooper driving 126 mph while
sending a message on his computer, talking on his phone and on his radio. And he had been told minutes prior to the fatal crash that he was no longer needed at the scene of the accident he was responding to. 

Or the officer who struck and killed a 10 year old boy that was on his bike, crossing a highway, someplace he wasn't supposed to be, as most kids are, while driving 29 miles over the speed limit. 

Or the officer currently in jail for 15 years because he was driving 100mph through an intersection to an accident he was no longer needed at, when a car turned in front of him.  This caused him to swerve and strike one of his fellow officers, dragging his body and finally coming to a stop only when his car struck a pole, pinning and killing the officer. 

If you are involved in an accident on your way to help a fellow officer or community member, and are in a wreck because of speeding or not clearing an intersection, you will not be of any help.  You will divert more resources away from the initial needy party, thus causing a greater delay. 

And that could be my husband. Or my best friend's husband. Or me. Or my child. 

I don't claim to know what it's like to be in a police car when a call comes out.  Or the real dangers my husband faces when he steps out the door. 

I'm sharing this as a wife. As a mother. 

As someone who knows that of the 39 auto-related and 27 gun-fire related LODD this year that if just one could have been prevented by simply slowing down, wearing a seatbelt, always wearing a vest, a wife wouldn't be widowed. A child fatherless. A family grieving. A department mourning. 

Because I know every day that could be me. 

Or my children.
My family. 

My husband's coworkers. 

And if it could have been prevented by a little vigilance, imagine the insult to injury.

The anger, bitterness and resentment. 

WIN?

We all get complacent. I do it. My kids do it because they see me do it. My husband does it. 

But if I tell my daughter every single time she walks out the door to drive safe, wear her seatbelt and pay attention to her surroundings, then I damn well better be setting the example myself. 

And I don't just ask this of my husband, my children, but of all of you, too. Friends, law enforcement or not. Slow down. Wear your seatbelt. Be vigilant. Don't be complacent.  Remind your loved ones. Every day.   Be the voice that they hear every time they leave in that uniform. 

WIN? 

What's Important Now?  

Getting home safe, that's what's important. And it starts with awareness and accountability. 

Because I will happily be the crazy wife of Sgt Rawley that stands outside the station as all your husbands pull out in their police cars for their shift, knocking on their windows with a friendly reminder;

Got your vest on?

Seatbelt?

Slow down, be safe. 

I would rather do that every night of my life than ever once have to hug you and say "I'm so sorry for your loss" at your loved one's funeral.
Wouldn't you?  

For those of you interested in attending this presentation, please contact me. The officers who put it on for us are happy to schedule another one. And though the material is not suitable for young children, I will be taking my 14 and 17 year olds to the next one.  And I thank them for including me and giving KCPDFF the opportunity to participate!  

Check out the website www.below100.com

We are at 93 LODD deaths currently this year, wouldn't it be amazing to keep it Below 100 in 2013?  We can, but we all have to help. 

Santa Maria, CA. This officer lived, and was wearing his vest and seatbelt.

This Asheville, NC, officer Robert Bingaman was driving 70mph in a 50mph zone, and not wearing his seat belt. EOW 10/29/13 

What's Important Now?