Due for some good news....

Last week I was feeling pretty defeated. There may have been a smile on my face and a witty, sarcastic comment out my mouth, but my soul was hurting. The cancer is back, there’s possible metastatic disease in my spine, there’s a new spot on the same breast that has to be biopsied. Like yesterday.....
All the plans made would potentially be changed as the bad news just kept coming.
And to all my supporters who smiled and hugged and encouraged and reminded me that this is just another bump in the road I’ll overcome, or that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, I was having a really hard time believing any of that. I got to have lunch with two of my oldest friends and shared with them the need I have to know that when I say I need/want/have to have this done NOW, I know that they get it and will make sure it happens. Whether it’s my need for rainbow sherbet ice cream at midnight or to get my family together and figure out how to get us to the closest beach for some private family time, I know these girls will make it happen. No questions asked.
Morbid, you say? Well, probably so. But it’s how I operate best. Worst case scenario. Then anything not completely tragic and utter bullshit is just icing on the cake. And it also means I’m never taken off guard again. Cause that’s not happening. Again.
Chemo #1 was Thursday Nov 1st. Day of and day after not bad. I was lobster red and a raging lunatic and wanted to eat everything in sight from the lovely steroids, but all in all-not too bad. Brian will be seeing a Cardiologist on Nov 30th, but we are convinced it’s just been stress. I mean, he is married to me, after all....
And by Friday evening I hadn’t heard from KU about the biopsy on Wednesday of the 9mm mass the MRI found. Being that I knew KU sent path for additional slides of my first biopsy and it had taken a couple of extra days, I had convinced myself it was positive since it was taking so long. Friday night I went to bed knowing I wouldn’t have any answers over the weekend and I just had to make it through the next 2 days.
I went to bed and was awakened at 2:30am when Parker was worried about me and came to check on me. He found me shivering in my sleep-probably more from exhaustion than cold, but he covered me up and told me he loved me. And I knew he was worried about this freaking cancer and his mom, and that broke my heart.
Saturday at work was a struggle for me. It was day 3. And typically the worst day. I woke up early so by 7am I had been up 3 hours already. I knew that was gonna hurt me so I just keep telling myself; “make it to noon.”
And when I made it to noon I told myself “make it to 3pm”
So when the clock struck 7:30pm and I had made it a whole 12 hour shift it was a victory over my cancer! A huge victory! One that deserved a pumpkin donut on the way home. Then I crashed in my bed. Hard.

I woke up at 4:30am Sunday and knew it was going to be tough. I was already nauseated. Took a zofran and back to bed for an hour. When I got up to get ready I told myself “make it to 9am when Heather comes in.”
Then I was so shaky I had to wake Brian to drive me to work. Shaky not just from the steroids, but from the chemo. It causes such a reaction within the bone marrow that every bone hurt. My teeth hurt, my legs hurt, my hips hurt. I was just pacing like a caged animal because sitting sometimes helped. And sometimes didn’t. You know how it feels when you work out super hard and all your muscles are on fire and all your nerve endings are firing? That’s how I felt. For hours. By 3pm I knew I was done. My feet felt like I was walking through quick sand and my mouth was dry and tongue swollen. No matter how much I drank. And the cold drinks? Yep-painful. Room temp only. And I’m sure I’ll be kicking my Dr Pepper habit because it tasted like watered down cough syrup, and white cheese like unflavored play-doh! But I had made it 8 hours and we were busy so I felt like I had another little victory over cancer that day too.
Once I got home it was a different story. I put on flannel Jammie’s and got into bed with 2 heavy Sherpa blankets and shivered so hard I thought my teeth were going to rattle out of my head. I loaded up on some Tylenol and tramadol, compazine and even tried a muscle relaxer. I’m allergic to codeine-all forms of it-so the strongest I get is tramadol. Last night was spent tossing and turning. I did sleep for about 7 hours non-stop and I sure needed that. But once awake I ached. And tossed. And turned. A call to the cancer center this morning got me back on track.
Claritin daily to help with the antihistamine reaction going on in my bone marrow. Tramadol every 6 hours-do not get behind! Increase Vitamin D and B and Tylenol as needed. Biotene mouth wash to help with the way my tongue felt and today was much better.
My momma and sis came over and helped clean up the kitchen and pack tees. Brian and Parker waited on me-Parker even vacuumed the floors! And the best thing ever????
KU called with my biopsy results and the 9mm mass is only a BENIGN LYMPH NODE!! No additional cancer!! Woo-freaking-hoo!!
That was the news I needed today. Still waiting to hear about how we’re going to determine if the spine stuff is bony mets or not but for now, I’ll relish in the fact that I don’t have more nasty little bastard cancer cells taking up residence in my boob. Cause I’m working to evict the other one right now and ain’t nobody got time for that!
Sorry I’m all over the place with this post. My mind is truly scattered right now and I’m sure will be for a while. Bear with me.
And I wanted to thank everyone who has reached out -to me, Brian, Hailey, Parker, my family....I know there are no words for this and I know you don’t know what to say. My tight lipped thank you smile response is just that. I don’t know what to say. I want to scream and yell and throw stuff and break things and put holes in walls, but since that might buy me a 96 hour hold just know that I really do appreciate your words-and actions, and emojis and gifs and lack of words. I get it. So please don’t stop. They get me through.

K

A pic of the latest biopsy. Healing nicely. Sorry, but cancer ain’t pretty.


Oh, and some crazy haired kisses from Frank too!